Regurgitated News

A New Home - PLEASE READ!

2005-05-16T12:13:00.000-07:00

Regurgitated News has a new home at RegurgitatedNews.com!

I made this move because I wanted to have a little more control over the look of the site, and I think you'll really like it. The bad news is that features like comments and RSS feeds will not be available for a while since I basically have to code them by hand since I built the new site from scratch.

This is the last post I'll be making for Regurgitated News here at Blogger, so please come visit me at (and dare I say, bookmark) the new site!

Thanks!

Rob

Man Starves Woman to Death, Gets Off Scot Free

2005-03-31T10:02:00.000-08:00

Terri Schiavo, the brain-damaged Florida woman who had her feeding tube removed 13 days ago, has died. The tube was removed after a lengthy court battle in which Schiavo's husband, Michael Schiavo, insisted that his wife said she would not want to live if in a vegetative state. Since it took 13 days for Terry to eventually die of dehyrdation and starvation, it would appear that her will to live was actually quite strong. Source

Included In the Sale Price Was the Woman's Dignity

2005-03-31T10:00:00.001-08:00

A woman in Tennessee made a little over $15,000 when she sold her name on eBay. Once the legal paperwork is complete, Terri Illigan will now be known as... you guessed it, GoldenPalace.com. Mrs. dotcom decided to run the auction in order to raise money to send one of her children to a golf school. If one of the kids needs braces, perhaps she could consider suing the online casino for using her name. Source

Really, What Did You Expect From Him With a Name Like That?

2005-03-31T10:00:00.000-08:00

A 60-year-old man named Donald Death Jr. has been arraigned on charges of stealing an estimated $293,000 from a cemetery association on Long Island. Death was the association's chairman and assistant treasurer, but now faces up to 15 years in prison. Attorney Melvin Roth, who is representing Death, said that the entire amount has already been repaid. Is it just an eerie coincidence that a guy named Death was involved with a cemetery? Source

And What Are We Going to Do With This Information?

2005-03-31T09:56:00.000-08:00

The American Cancer Society reports that the majority of cancer-related deaths in America could be prevented if we stopped smoking, got more exercise, ate healthier, and underwent periodic cancer screenings. In response to the recent findings, Americans plan to continue smoking, sitting on their ass doing nothing, eating junk food, and only visiting their doctor when on the brink of death. Well, at least that's my plan. Source

I'd Like to Use a Club On Some of These People

2005-03-30T09:24:00.000-08:00

Up to 320,000 young seals are being slaughtered in Quebec by thousands of hunters armed with rifles, spears, and clubs. Demand for seal skins in eastern Europe and China has led the Canadian government to lift the ban on seal hunting and allow almost a million seals to be killed over three years. In related news, Canada really, really sucks. Source

Did He Stab Him, Or Did He Virtually Stab Him?

2005-03-30T09:22:00.000-08:00

Shanghai man Qiu Chengwei was so infuriated when his friend borrowed his "dragon sabre" and sold it on eBay that he attacked Zhu Caoyuan at home, stabbing him repeatedly in the chest. The unusual part is that the sabre didn't even exist in the first place but was a virtual sword the two had won while playing the videogame Legend of Mir 3. Authorities agree that if Chengwei had used the dragon sabre to kill Caoyuan, it would have been the perfect crime since the murder weapon would never be found. Source

I'm Really Starting to Miss Fictional TV

2005-03-30T09:21:00.000-08:00

Venus and Serena Williams, professional tennis players, have signed on with the ABC Family network to do a reality TV show. The show will feature the sisters "as they find their place in the world outside of tennis." Television executives believe it will be the lowest-rated reality show ever because really, who gives a damn? Source

Hmm... Think It Will Be Covered By Blue Cross?

2005-03-30T09:20:00.000-08:00

Russian researchers believe that spanking and caning can be good for your health. High levels of pain produce endorphins that boost the immune system, release sex hormones, reduce appetite, and lead to feelings of euphoria. One Russian doctor is now charging patients about $107 per "treatment." Does this mean that dominatrices now have to file for medical licenses? Source

Sorry, But You're Never Going to See Those Eggs Again

2005-03-29T09:06:00.000-08:00

A Wisconsin woman realized she made a terrible mistake in donating several plastic Easter eggs to a local thrift store. The eggs belonged to her deceased mother who had been planning a special Easter egg hunt and stuffed the eggs with cash. The family has appealed to the thrift store patrons to return the money, but no one has come forth yet. This is the biggest thrift store donation screw-up since Cindy gave away Marcia's diary on an early episode of The Brady Bunch. Source

One Swift Kick and Those People Could Have Gotten Their Mail

2005-03-29T09:04:00.000-08:00

Several residents in Hobart, Indiana were unable to receive their mail because postal workers were frightened away by a dog running around on the loose. It turns out that the terror of Guyer Street was in fact Bobo, a 4.5-pound Chihuahua. According to police, the tiny dog was being very aggressive and tried to bite people's ankles. The animal's owner, Vicki Seber, has been ticketed for failing to keep Bobo restrained. The mail carriers, on the other hand, have to live with the shame of being scared off by a dog the size of a small cat. Source

Playboy Was Right... That Is a Party School!

2005-03-29T09:03:00.000-08:00

The 25-member chapter of the Phi Kappa Tau fraternity at California State University Chico has been suspended for hosting the filming of a toga-themed porno movie. Four actresses and two actors were provided by an adult film company, and three Chico State students also appeared in the video. Fittingly, the university had once been ranked as the "top U.S. party school" by Playboy magazine. CSU is investigating the incident, but staff is being hampered in their efforts by the deluge of students now applying for admittance. Source

I Would Have Expected Much More From Those People

2005-03-29T08:57:00.000-08:00

When Gus's World Famous Chicken in downtown Memphis started to give out free chicken dinners to the poor for Easter, things quickly turned ugly. The "customers" began pushing and yelling, forcing the restaurant to close after only one hour of serving the free meals. The restaurant plans to try again next year, but this time they'll be equipped with batons and tasers. Source

I'll Have the Enormous Omelet Sandwich, Please. And While You're At It, Just Put a Bullet In My Head

2005-03-28T09:42:00.000-08:00

Burger King is poised to start selling a brand new breakfast sandwich that consists of one sausage patty, two eggs, two slices of American cheese, and three strips of bacon. Dubbed the "Enormous Omelet Sandwich," the item will contain 730 calories and 47 grams of fat. To prevent costly lawsuits against the restaurant chain, the sandwich will also come with a nitroglycerin pill for anyone suffering the inevitable heart attack brought on by eating something so unhealthy. Source

It's Like Having One of Those Tricorders From Star Trek

2005-03-28T09:41:00.001-08:00

Korean manufacturer Samsung has announced that it will create a new line of cell phones that feature a color display that can be rotated horizontally. The new phones will also include a 1.3 megapixel digital camera with flash, stereo sound, MP3 rendering and GPS orientation. The ability to place and receive phone calls has been removed, however, in order to make room for all of the other stuff. Source

My Advice to Anyone In Arizona: Stay the Hell Away From the Border

2005-03-28T09:41:00.000-08:00

The 1,000 volunteers expected to participate in the Minuteman Project, where civilians patrol the U.S.-Mexico border in Arizona, have already been targeted by a Central American gang. James Gilchrist, organizer of the project, said "We're not worried because half of our recruits are retired trained combat soldiers." Hmm... what about the other half? Source

Shit Down, Czech Out

2005-03-28T09:38:00.000-08:00

A 34-year-old Czechoslovakian tractor driver died when eight tons of manure he was dumping somehow fell on top of him. Funny, that is exactly how I always imagined my own life would end. Source

This Is the Fourth Clocky I've Had to Buy This Week

2005-03-23T14:47:00.000-08:00

In the Annoying Products Department, scientists at MIT's Media Lab have created a robotic alarm clock (dubbed Clocky) that will roll off your nightstand and move itself to another part of the room once you hit its "snooze" button. The idea is that you'll be wide awake if you have to physically get up and find the alarm clock--presumably so you can smash the little bastard into a million pieces. Also in the works at MIT is a product exclusively for fat people: a mechanical cheesecake that runs away and hides itself as soon as you take a bite. Source

Their First Slogan Idea Was "Fuck Wal-Mart"

2005-03-23T14:46:00.000-08:00

In an attempt to sway consumers away from mega-chains like Wal-Mart and Target, several Louisville small businesses have banded together for a PR campaign urging people to "Keep Louisville Weird" by shopping at unique, locally-owned stores. Picking up on the marketing alliance concept, several small businesses in the Garden State have started their own "Keep New Jersey a Shithole" campaign. Source

We Don't Care If They're Gay, But Do They Have to Be Naked Too?

2005-03-23T14:45:00.000-08:00

The S. V. Polynesia, a 248-foot schooner owned by Windjammer Barefoot Cruises, was stopped and prevented from entering the Caribbean country of St. Kitts and Nevis because the passenger list consisted of gay nudists. The tiny island nation had admitted gay cruise passengers before, so perhaps it was the nudist part that prompted them to bar entry of this particular vessel. Now, who wants to go on a cruise ship after knowing that a boatload of gay nudists just got off? Source

His Flash Animation Tells the Story: This Kid Had Some Serious Issues

2005-03-23T14:40:00.000-08:00

Jeff Weise, the Minnesota teenager who killed his grandfather, his grandfather's female companion, a security guard, a teacher, and five of his fellow students before committing suicide on Monday had uploaded a 30-second Flash animation to a Web site last October. The brief movie shows a crudely-drawn figure shooting four victims (including a guy in a KKK outfit) and throwing a hand grenade into a police car--an eerie portent of things to come. If the kid wasn't totally nuts, Weise might have had a promising career in animation or doing concept art for a Tarantino movie. Source

At Least They Didn't Pull That "Zero Tolerance" Crap This Time

2005-03-22T10:53:00.000-08:00

When a four-year-old boy found 40 small bags of crack cocaine in his book bag, he thought it was candy and handed it out to his school friends. The boy, who has never been in trouble before, will not be disciplined for his actions because school officials believe he really did not know what the rocks were. His relatives, on the other hand, could face charges for narcotics and child endangerment. Meanwhile, hundreds of crackheads have been hanging around the boy's school after they heard that free drugs were being distributed. Source

Madame, Britain's "Freedom of Information" Laws Are Not to Be Used As a Tool For You to Get Laid

2005-03-22T10:51:00.001-08:00

Angela Wright of Britain attempted to use her country's new freedom of information laws in an effort to hook up with single cops. She sent an email to her local police force, inquiring about their eligible bachelors. She also asked for the email addresses, salary and pension details for any constables that fit her criteria. While Wright insists that the request was meant primarily as a joke, she was refused the information on the basis that personal data is exempt from the laws. She did, however, manage to make herself look pathetic to the whole world. Source

Now Here's a Skill That Will Look Impressive On a Resume

2005-03-22T10:51:00.000-08:00

Craig Crosbie of Scotland has been dubbed the world's fastest text-messager, beating the previous record holder by a full 19 seconds. The 24-year-old Crosbie has been text-messaging since he was 16 and sends about 75 messages a day. Now that he has conquered the world and achieved the prestige of being a Guinness Book record-setter, Crosbie will return to his minimum wage job working in a Scottish factory. Source

Woman Receives $16.7 Million For Being Stupid

2005-03-22T10:47:00.000-08:00

Patricia Henley was diagnosed with lung cancer in 1998 and proceeded to sue Philip Morris, manufacturer of the Marlboro cigarettes she had been smoking for more than 30 years. Surprisingly, she won her case and was awarded $51.5 million. Philip Morris appealed, and they lost again--but this time the award was down to $10.5 million, plus $6.2 million in interest. Even barring everything we now know about the effects of cigarette smoking, how stupid do you have to be to continuously ingest smoke and not think it might possibly be bad for you? Source

Scratch and Win, My Ass

2005-03-21T12:18:00.001-08:00

Thousands of people were duped by a promotional "Scratch n' Match" game that was included in the New York Daily News. The newspaper later announced that there was a misprint, instantly turning the winners to losers. One woman thought she won $100,000 and even booked a trip to Disney World, but had her plans dashed by the announcement the following day. The former winners are planning on finding out who is responsible for the screw-up and scratching them with a quarter until they cough up the lost prize money. Source

You Really Should Chew More Gum, Dear

2005-03-21T12:18:00.000-08:00

A new brand of chewing gum sold in Japan claims to increase breast size by up to 80% and improve circulation, reduce stress, and fight aging. B2Up gum uses a plant species called Pueraria mirifica to achieve the spectacular results. If the B2Up Company can formulate a gum that increases penis size, experts agree that it will become the largest corporation in Asia. Source

Do You Really Need to Do a Study to Know What We Think About This?

2005-03-21T12:17:00.000-08:00

President Bush's White House has been concerned with the high cost of gasoline, with prices now over $3 a gallon in some areas of the country. The president's top people are trying to determine how the rising prices will affect the economy and the public, with a possible but unlikely scenario of $4 per gallon prices in the future. Save your time and money, fellas... I can tell you right now that we're gonna be PISSED OFF--even more than we already are. Source

Gee, I Guess That First Accident Wasn't Just a Fluke

2005-03-21T12:15:00.000-08:00

The city of Newark, New Jersey has finally erected concrete barriers to prevent cars from plunging into the Passaic River at a specific section of road. A total of five people have died at the location--three last November and two more early Sunday. When asked about the timeliness of the crash prevention measures, Mayor Sharpe James said, "Really, our hands are tied until at least four people die. Those barricades aren't cheap, you know." Source

Wow, the Beauty Salons In Russia Must Be Way More Sophisticated Than They Are Here

2005-03-17T07:53:00.001-08:00

Several Russian clinics and beauty salons in Russia are claiming they can treat a wide range of medical problems using stem cells. Patients have traveled from all over the world to receive stem cell "injections," paying upwards of $20,000 or more for the treatment. Of course, the results are negligible, suggesting that this is nothing more than quack medicine. Who would have believed that the mysteries of stem cell research have been unravelled by a beauty salon in Russia? Source

Without a Doubt, This Is a Serious Problem That Needs to Be Addressed

2005-03-17T07:53:00.000-08:00

A womens' group in Mexico City is taking some of the city's more elderly prostitutes off the streets and putting them in a retirement home. At least 65 hookers--some of them well into their 70s--will be moved to an 18th century building that will serve as their new home. Emilienne de Leon, head of a local womens' rights group, said, "We have to get these women off the streets, because quite frankly the idea of someone having sex with them is just plain gross." Source

The Only Thing I Can Think of That Would Be More Boring Than Watching a Golf Tournament Is Listening to One On the Radio

2005-03-17T07:52:00.000-08:00

The PGA has reached an agreement with XM Satellite Radio, allowing the company to broadcast live coverage of PGA Tour events. XM believes that many listeners will tune in to hear golf tournaments over the radio. In the same vein, they are also adding two new channels to their service: "Paint Drying" and "Grass Growing." Source

Let's Hope This Concept Doesn't Make It to the States

2005-03-17T07:44:00.001-08:00

With unemployment numbers at an all-time high in Germany, a new Web site called JobDumping lets people compete for jobs by submitting bids for the lowest salary they would be willing to accept. It's an interesting idea, but there are bound to be "auction snipers" who will bid at the last moment and snatch up the jobs for a few pennies an hour. Source

Let's Hope This Concept Doesn't Make It to the States

2005-03-17T07:44:00.000-08:00

And the Award For "Most Embarassing Moment" Goes to...

2005-03-16T08:49:00.000-08:00

Postal officials in Chemnitz, Germany were alarmed when a package started to vibrate and make strange sounds. The sender of the package was brought to the scene and the situation was defused when it turned out to be nothing more than the "sweet spot" on a life-size female sex doll the man was returning. Boy, they just don't make sex dolls like they used to, huh? Source

Is She Really the Right Person to Be Giving Out Advice?

2005-03-16T08:48:00.000-08:00

Britney Spears felt compelled to open her mouth and offer advice to Michael Jackson, suggesting that he should get drunk and start a bar fight. After making the comments Spears, who becomes more of a hick with each passing day, sat down on the couch for a meal of potato chips and malt liquor while watching a NASCAR race. Source

You Do Know That the Book Is Fiction, Right?

2005-03-16T08:47:00.000-08:00

Cardinal Tarcisio Bertone has blasted the best-selling book The Da Vinci Code by Dan Brown, in which several "secrets" of Christianity are revealed. Bertone urged people not to buy and read the book because it's "rotten food." Sales of the novel are expected to increase dramatically now that the Vatican has expressed its disapproval. Source

Actually, I Understand That Turkish Women Are Quite Lovely

2005-03-16T08:46:00.000-08:00

A Turkish man, posing as his dead mother in order to withdraw her pension money, was arrested Friday. Serafettin Gencel claims that his mother died of natural causes two years ago and that he buried her body in his basement. A bank employee contacted authorities after hearing Gencel's deep voice. Oddly, his thick mustache didn't raise suspicions because they are common on Turkish women. Source

Also Being Added: "Blog" and "Cargo Pants"

2005-03-15T12:39:00.000-08:00

Webster's Dictionary has added a new word to its latest edition: "wedgie." For anyone who hasn't attended high school in the last century, a wedgie is the act of jerking someone's underwear upwards so it gets lodged in the crack of their ass. It's uncertain whether or not there will be separate entries for "atomic wedgie" and "full-frontal wedgie." Source

Believe It Or Not, This Is Big News In Malawi

2005-03-15T12:38:00.000-08:00

President Bingu wa Mutharika has been answering questions regarding rumors that he left his mansion because he was afraid it was haunted. The story was started by two journalists and one government official, who have all been taken away by police for detention. The three have not yet been charged, and the arrest has caused an uproar amongst the nation's journalists. In an effort to put the rumors to rest, President Mutharika has called in expert researchers to investigate the mansion. They arrived in Malawei yesterday in their lime-green "Mystery Machine" van. Source

I Guess She Has a Lot of Free Time On Her Hands Since Leaving Baywatch

2005-03-15T12:36:00.000-08:00

Actress Alexandra Paul (Lieutenant Stephanie Holden on Baywatch) was arrested at a protest to save 70 GM cars from destruction. The discontinued EV-1 electric automobiles--Paul's obvious favorite--were being hauled off for recycling. GM says the market for the ecology-friendly vehicles was too small, and it would not resell the cars because they cannot offer support and spare parts. Paul was also arrested several months ago during a one-woman protest against ABC for cancelling The Caroline Rhea Show. Source

The Worst Part Is That He Charged $60 Extra For It

2005-03-15T12:35:00.000-08:00

Former dentist John Hall has been charged with multiple counts of assault after allegedly squirting semen from syringes into the mouths of his female patients. Hall disputes the charges, but DNA tests performed on the syringes showed that they contained his semen. Regardless of the evidence, Hall firmly states that the only woman he ever injected semen into was his wife. Source

If You're a Convicted Murderer and Need a Job, Try the State of Nebraska--They're Hiring

2005-03-14T14:56:00.001-08:00

The man convicted of murdering Dian Fossey, famed wildlife researcher and subject of the movie Gorillas In the Mist, has a brand new job--as overseer of a mental health office in Nebraska. Wayne Richard McGuire was convicted in absentia by a Rwanda court for Fossey's 1985 murder but never served time because the United States has no extradition agreement with that country. Is this really the kind of person Nebraska wants to take care of their lunatics and nut-jobs? Source

Oh, Quit Being Such a Million Dollar Cry-Baby

2005-03-14T14:56:00.000-08:00

When actress Hilary Swank slipped an apple and an orange into her luggage during a trip to New Zealand, she didn't know she was breaking a law that bans the import of foreign plants and produce into the country. The Oscar-winning actress was fined $150, but has chosen to fight it. She's actually sending her lawyers to New Zealand next week to appear in court on her behalf. With a little luck, Swank will have to pay the $150 plus a hefty amount in legal and travel fees. Source

The Town's "Don't Drink and Drive" Campaign Really Lost Steam After That

2005-03-14T14:53:00.000-08:00

Roger Ashley, police chief of Middletown, Virginia, was arrested for DUI--while driving his unmarked police car. If that's not bad enough, Ashley was arrested again for DUI later that same day when he crashed his personal car into another vehicle! Town leaders are meeting today to decide whether they should let Ashley remain as chief of police or if they should just shoot him. Source

Hey Baby, Have You Smelled My Balls?

2005-03-14T14:52:00.000-08:00

Wisconsin manufacturer Storm Products Inc. has released a new line of high-end scented bowling balls. About 40 different scents are available, with everything from banana to lemonade. But the company says its most popular scents are still "Sweaty, Bald Fat Guy" and the best-selling "Eau de Trailer Park." Source

Great Way to Impress the Jury, Michael

2005-03-11T09:20:00.000-08:00

After appearing in court yesterday a little over an hour late, Micheal Jackson narrowly avoided being arrested and forfeiting his $3 million bail. Friends of the 41-year-old singer say that he is likely suffering severe mental problems, with the stress of his trial and his recent financial difficulties. Jackson showed up in the bizarre outfit of blue pajama bottoms, a white t-shirt, black jacket, and slippers. By all accounts, the outfit was "kinda fruity." Source

Instead of Mixing Up Orders From the Same Restaurant, Now They Can Mix Up Orders From Different States

2005-03-11T09:19:00.000-08:00

In order to squeeze every possible penny of profit from their operation, McDonald's Corp. is considering outsourcing its drivethru order-taking. The restaurant chain may start using remote call centers located in places like North Dakota, where the cost of living is lower. The next obvious step is to create call centers in depressed countries where operators are paid 5 cents an hour and their accents are so thick you have no idea what they're saying. Source

Now We Know Why He Chose Not to Appear In the First Place

2005-03-11T09:18:00.000-08:00

When inmate Darryl R. Bartlett--jailed in Arkansas on a failure-to-appear warrant--was suffering from a cold, he asked guard Johnnie Dallas Pruett for some cold medication. What he got instead were three laxative pills that caused severe stomach pains and, of course, diarrhea. Meanwhile, Pruett taunted him all night, asking if he needed a diaper. Pruett was fired for the incident and charged with battery. Sheriff's Capt. Jamie Martin said Pruett's prank was "a shitty thing to do, even to a prisoner." Source

If a Klansman Falls In the Forest, Does He Make a Sound?

2005-03-11T09:16:00.000-08:00

The 80-year-old Klansman accused of murdering three civil rights workers in the sixties is in the hospital today with two broken legs. Edgar Ray Killen, due in court on April 18 to face charges for the 1964 murders, was cutting down a tree when it fell on his head and "kind of drove him into the ground like a pile driver." Worst of all, the falling tree completely flattened his pointy hat. Source

Cat Pays Back Owner For Being Neutered

2005-03-10T09:25:00.000-08:00

A Michigan man who was cooking at his stove was shot in the lower torso by his cat. Joseph Stanton left a loaded gun on the counter (smart move) which his pet knocked off, causing the gun to discharge. The cat was released by authorities after testing negative for catnip. Source

Yeah, Like We're Supposed to Believe That the Government Lied to Us

2005-03-10T09:24:00.000-08:00

The capture of Saddam Hussein didn't exactly go down the way the public was led to believe, states a former U. S. Marine who was at the scene. Ex-Sgt. Nadim Abou Rabeh said that Hussein was actually found in a modest home and not in a hole in the ground. He also said that there was fierce resistance, with Hussein himself firing at the 20-man military unit from the second floor of the house. It would appear that much of the war in Iraq has been the work of fiction. Source

It Turns Out That IKEA Is Swedish For "Asinine Complaints"

2005-03-10T09:22:00.000-08:00

Norway's prime minister--who apparently has nothing better to do--claims that Swedish company IKEA is guilty of sex descrimination for depicting only male and gender-neutral figures in their instruction manuals. IKEA spokeswoman Verdens Gang responded by saying that since her company sells to Muslim countries, the use of female figures might be offensive to some customers. She also added that many Norwegian books about pregnancy show only women giving birth, "and what up with that?" Source

As Horrible As This Sounds, It's Still More Watchable Than Most Shows On American TV

2005-03-10T09:21:00.000-08:00

A new Baghdad television show called Terror In the Grip of Justice features insurgents being interrogated about the attacks they've carried out. In a recent episode, one man claimed that he "attacked the National Guard with machine guns and killed two of them. Then we beheaded one of them." The purported confessions seem a little forced, however, and some claim that they're not real. The series, produced by the Interior Ministry of Iraq, is aired on an unpopular channel that was originally set up and funded by Americans. The insurgents are fighting back by threatening to impose "God's justice" on the employees of the station--and they've already killed an anchorwoman. Kind of brings a new meaning to "reality TV," no? Source

If McDonalds Food Is Ever Healthy, You Can Hang Me By My McNuggets

2005-03-09T12:32:00.000-08:00

In an attempt to portray itself as a healthier place to eat--and reduce the mounting number of obesity lawsuits--restaurant chain McDonald's has announced a new advertising campaign that focuses on healthy living. To lighten their menu, they'll be introducing some new salads and substantially reduce the amount of trans-fatty acids in their food products. In line with the new marketing campaign, the loveable but portly character Grimace will be forced to lose at least 200 pounds and Mayor McCheese will become Mayor McCottage Cheese. Source

I'd Hate to Be the Next Patient In Line For Scanning After They Sent That Thing Through

2005-03-09T12:31:00.000-08:00

A CT scan of King Tutankhamun's mummy confirms that the "boy king" was not murdered, as many historians believed. He did have a broken leg, however, and that may be what led to his death. The latest findings blow away the theories proposed by researchers who summised that Tut was killed by Colonel Mustard with the lead pipe in the ballroom. Source

Everyone Out! She's Gonna Blow! I Mean, Everyone In! She's Gonna Blow!

2005-03-09T12:30:00.000-08:00

While it has been venting ash and steam since last fall, Mount St. Helens released a much larger plume of ash Tuesday evening, resulting in a fine layer of dust 125 miles to the east-northeast. Scientists do not believe that the recent emission signifies that a major eruption like the one seen in 1980 is imminent, but they will continue to monitor Helens' ash hole for any further releases of gas. Source

Home Schooling Is Starting to Sound Better and Better

2005-03-09T12:28:00.000-08:00

A high school football coach in Oregon has been disciplined for licking a bleeding scab on the knee of one of his students. Scott Reed was giving the kids a pep talk and mentioned that another coach once licked and healed players' wounds so they could get back in the game. The team egged him on to lick the knee wound, which he did as kind of a joke. While they deemed the incident unacceptable and put Reed on probation, school officials are just thankful that none of the players were suffering from groin injuries at the time. Source

We Just Thought He Had Really, Really Bad B. O.

2005-03-08T12:42:00.000-08:00

Kyujiro Kanaoka of Japan has been dead for years. But it wasn't until just recently that his three children--the youngest of them in his 70s--reached the conclusion that the father they shared a house with might not be alive after all. They started to get suspicious when Kanaoka never wanted to eat or drink, didn't speak, never used the toilet, and basically hasn't moved a damn muscle since some time in the 1990s. Source

Next Week, They're Having a "Who Can Swallow the Most Sleeping Pills?" Contest

2005-03-08T12:41:00.000-08:00

In an effort to win the grand prize of $330, 21-year-old Ricardo Ivan Garcia drank more than 50 shots of tequila at a drinking contest in the Dominican Republic. The bad news is that injesting all that booze gave Garcia alcohol poisoning and caused heart failure, killing him within hours of being taken to the hospital. The good news is that he's now $330 richer! Source

It's Comforting to Know That the Courts In Italy Are Even More Screwed Up Than They Are Here

2005-03-08T12:39:00.000-08:00

Carmelo Cisabella can't catch a break. More than a decade ago, he was paralyzed after being involved in a motorcycle accident. Because of his time spent in a wheelchair, he developed a lethal infection of the spine and has been given six months to live. Now Cisabella is trying to speed up the courts so he can receive an already agreed-upon settlement of $596,300, but the slow-moving Sicilian legal system won't budge. They told him to come back in 14 months to hear the outcome of his case. As what, a ghost? Source

New Study Confirms the Obvious

2005-03-08T12:38:00.000-08:00

A new study by Wendy Slutske (giggle, giggle) of the University of Missouri at Columbia has reached the shocking conculsion that young people in college drink more than their counterparts who are not attending college. Slutske (heh, heh) also found that the non-students who did drink were more likely to be addicted to the sauce. One likely reason for non-students to drink less is because they have jobs--which is probably also why they're more likely to be alcoholics. Source

Oh, Man... the Library Won't Be Such a Cool Place to Hang Out Anymore

2005-03-07T08:51:00.001-08:00

California's San Luis Obispo County has adopted an ordinance that allows authorities to ask their smellier patrons to leave. Also banned is fighting, eating, drinking, sleeping, playing games, and printing or viewing illegal materials on library computers. When library services manager Irene Macias posed questions about what defines bad odor (Strong perfume? Garlicky breath?), assistant director of the library Moe Green replied by saying, "Basically, anyone who smells like shit." Source

I Also Hear That Britney Spears May Replace Alan Greenspan

2005-03-07T08:51:00.000-08:00

Bono, lead singer for the rock band U2, might just be the next president of World Bank. The "bank" is a United Nations agency, whose member countries are jointly responsible for how the institution is financed and how its money is spent. It provides assistance to developing countries in an effort to fight poverty and improve living standards. United States Treasury Secretary John Snow believes that Bono has the skills needed to replace current bank president John Wolfensohn, who will step down on June 1. If a professional wrestler can become the governor of Minnesota, I suppose that anything is possible. Source

See, Kids? That's What Happens When You Elect a Muscle Man As Governor

2005-03-07T08:50:00.000-08:00

California governor Arnold Schwarzenegger recently said that he would be introducing legislation to ban the sale of junk food in schools in an effort to combat youth obesity. Schwarzenegger made the comment at the "Arnold Classic" bodybuilding event in Columbus, Ohio. He also presented fitness expert Jack LaLanne with a lifetime achievement award. When egged on by the audience to show that he is still in prime physical condition, Schwarzenegger bench-pressed LaLanne and then ripped him in half. Source

It Seems He Forgot to Look a Few Moves Ahead This Time

2005-03-07T08:47:00.000-08:00

Former world chess champion Bobby Fischer got himself four days of solitary confinement in a Japanese immigration detention center after getting into it with guards when they wouldn't give him an extra boiled egg for breakfast. Fischer has been in custody in Japan since he was arrested in July for traveling with an invalid U. S. passport. He's fighting deportation to the United States, where he is wanted for playing a 1992 chess match in sanctioned Yugoslavia. Fischer's Japanese fiancee, Miyoko Watai, was also his bodyguard at one time. Perhaps the United States should reconsider whether or not they really want this guy back. Source

Hey Lady, Is That Your Pussy I See?

2005-03-03T23:39:00.000-08:00

An Idaho woman asked to pull over by a frantic driver on Interstate 15 was shocked when the man walked up to her car and handed her Cuddle Bug--her cat. It seems that Torri Hutchinson drove ten miles from her home with her cat on the top of her car. She had even stopped for gas but failed to see the feline. When asked to comment about the incident Cuddle Bug said, "When that crazy bitch pulled onto the interstate, I thought I was a goner." Source

And This Comes As a Surprise Why?

2005-03-03T23:38:00.001-08:00

For the first time in almost five years, the United States Army fell short of its monthly recruiting goal. While they had hoped to sign up 7,050 active duty recruits, they were only able to bring in 5,114 new soldiers, or 76% of their stated goal. It's uncertain why the Army is surprised that they can't convince people to sign up when there's an active (and pointless) war going on. Source

It Was a Crappy Hiding Place Anyway

2005-03-03T23:38:00.000-08:00

While fleeing from police responding to a domestic dispute call, 19-year-old Brandy Shante Moss decided to hide in a septic tank. One of the police officers stood on the tank and caused it to collapse, injuring Moss. How come we don't get to see this kind of thing on Cops? Source

If You Want to See Some REALLY Unusual Life Forms, Try West Hollywood

2005-03-03T23:37:00.000-08:00

Researchers have discovered several unusual creatures thriving around a thermal vent in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean. The white mineral chimney, dubbed "the Lost City," is the home to strangely transparent shrimp, crabs, and other aquatic life forms. Lead researcher Deborah S. Kelley said only that the newly-discovered creatures are "delicious." Source

I'd Rather Have Him Punch Me In the Head Than Listen to Him Sing

2005-03-02T20:07:00.000-08:00

Mike Tyson has taken his career in a frighteningly different direction, appearing at a festival in Italy as a featured singer. After performing a mercifully short rendition of Volare, the infamous boxer followed with a few seconds of a rap version of New York, New York. This is not Tyson's first foray into the world of music, however; he was also the voice of Theodore on several Alvin & the Chipmunks records. Source

And You Thought Your Job Was Bad

2005-03-02T20:06:00.000-08:00

What does it take to get an elephant pregnant? A good come-on line and a very well-stocked liquor cabinet. Seriously though, all you need is a German scientist outfitted with a bicycle helmet, special goggles, a plastic suit, and a whole hell of a lot of nerve. The Seattle Zoo recently called in Dr. Thomas Hildebrandt and Dr. Frank Goeritz in an attempt to artifically inseminate their 26-year-old Asian elephant Chai. The process started with an enema that produced several wheelbarrows full of elephant poop. Next, Hildebrandt reached in and... you really don't want to know. Source

I Guess the Question Is, Why Did She Keep Them In the First Place?

2005-03-02T20:05:00.000-08:00

Ex-topless dancer Tawny Peaks, who was sued in 1998 for battering a strip club patron with her "crazy big" breasts, has put one of her size 69-HH implants on eBay. She had the giant funbags removed in 1999 and is now a homemaker and mother of three. Anyone want to bet that the winner of the auction will be a certain online casino that has a penchant for snatching up odd things for sale on eBay? Source

Brad and Jen They Ain't

2005-03-02T20:04:00.000-08:00

Ex-Bond girl Denise Richards and actor Charlie Sheen have announced that they are getting a divorce due to "irreconcilable differences." The split comes as a huge surprise to those of us who didn't know or didn't care that they were married in the first place. Source

Sorry, I Thought You Lads Were the Beatles

2005-03-01T21:25:00.000-08:00

When four of Britain's most famous musicians were guests at Buckingham Palace on Tuesday, the Queen didn't recognize them and had to ask, "And what do you do?" Brian May, Jimmy Page, Eric Clapton, and Jeff Beck were surprised when, after learning that they were all noted guitar players, Her Highness produced a vintage 1954 Fender Stratocaster and joined in on an impromptu 40-minute jam session. Source

Now Here's Someone Who Knows How to Live

2005-03-01T21:24:00.000-08:00

An 111-year-old woman from Ohio was able to survive a bout of pneumonia three weeks ago. Mary Margaret Dean-Smith is the 11th oldest person in the United States and the 30th oldest in the world. She no longer walks but her 79-year-old daughter says, "She answers yes or no questions, except for occasional times when she has an urge to talk. Then she talks until she wears herself out and falls asleep." In other words, she's just like any other woman. Source

For His Sake, I Hope That Airplane Has a Toilet

2005-03-01T21:23:00.000-08:00

Millionaire Steve Fossett took off from Salina, Kansas yesterday on a quest to be the first man to fly solo around the globe without refueling. Piloting an experimental jet with a cruising altitude of 45,000 feet, he has downed at least three diet chocolate milkshakes. Apparently, Fossett is also trying to become the first man to experience diarrhea at eight miles above sea level. Source

This Just In: It's Very Easy to Score In the Philippines

2005-03-01T21:20:00.000-08:00

The Health Secretary of the Philippines has stated that as many as 30 percent of the country's population doesn't know where babies come from. Even those who have already had numerous children believe that babies are simply "gifts from God." Not surprisingly, many Filippinas also believe that cookies are made by little elves and that George W. Bush actually won the 2000 election. Source

The Rattle Wasn't Nearly As Funny As the Body Cavity Search the Canadians Gave Me

2005-02-28T23:11:00.000-08:00

Another prank has gone horribly awry, this time forcing the closure of highways on both sides of the United States/Canada border. During a routine vehicle inspection, Canadian officials found a "suspicious device" that turned out to be a metal tube filled with ball bearings and crimped at both ends. Co-workers of the car's driver had placed the device there as a prank, thinking that the rattle would annoy him. U. S. officials are now deciding whether or not to press charges against the pranksters. It seems that in the post-9/11 world, a sense of humor by government officials is getting harder and harder to come by. Source

We're Going to the Sneaker Museum? How About You Just Put a Bullet In My Head Instead?

2005-02-28T23:10:00.000-08:00

A Los Angeles County social worker has brought his collection of nearly 200 pairs of sneakers to the Ahmanson Senior Citizen Center. The traveling exhibit centers around the evolution of the sneaker, from a pair of 1930s Red Ball basketball shoes to a $200 pair of Nike Air Jordan XVIIs. Docents are gearing up for the influx of visitors, as the exhibit is expected to bring in up to four people a month. Source

Isn't She Lovely, Isn't She Con-ta-gious...

2005-02-28T23:09:00.000-08:00

An unusual beauty pageant in Botswana's capital of Gaborone has twelve girls competing for the title of "Miss HIV." That's right, everyone entering the contest must be HIV-Positive, just like a third of the population of Botswana. It's one of the first beauty pageants where the male viewers don't fantasize about having sex with the winner. Source

Now We Know How Mad Cow Disease Got Started

2005-02-28T23:07:00.000-08:00

A 63-year-old Wisconsin man has been accused of having sex with cows. Harold G. Hart allegedly confessed to police that he had relations with calves at least 50 times, stopping in 1963 but resuming again about a year ago. Hart admitted that he would occasionally stop at a Greenwood farm when the bars and strip clubs had closed down. Apparently, hookers are in short supply in dairy country. Source

You Mean I Carried That Damn Backpack Around For Eight Years For Nothing?

2005-02-28T00:36:00.000-08:00

Eight-year-old Matilda Merrell from Britain was diagnosed with isolated bulbar palsy as a baby and had to survive on a liquid food source delivered from a backpack into a tube in her stomach. But as it turns out, the girl is perfectly healthy aside from a case of swollen tonsils--oops! On a recent visit to the United States, Merrell got a second opinion and was told she could eat solid foods after all. She was promptly taken to a Jack-In-the-Box restaurant and ordered a breakfast sandwich and hash browns. After tasting the meal, the little girl quickly decided to go back to the liquid stuff. Source

If You Really Feel That Way, Why Don't You Just Buy Us Some Better Schools?

2005-02-28T00:35:00.000-08:00

Microsoft's Bill Gates criticized the American school system on Saturday, saying that they do a poor job of educating students. Gates added that one of the major problems with today's high schools is that the technology they use is obsolete. Hmm... could that possibly be because operating systems and applications like Microsoft Office are so goddamn expensive? Source

I Understand Their Rockets Are Half the Size of Our Rockets and Have Built-In Digital Clocks

2005-02-28T00:34:00.000-08:00

A successful launch by the Japan Aerospace Exploration Agency--the Japanese equivalent of NASA--may be just the tip of the iceberg for that country's space program. Future plans could include manned space flights and even a research base on the moon. If the moonbase becomes a reality, the JAEA could make living quarters available to the public. Even if the rent is millions of dollars a year, it would still be cheaper than a tiny one-room apartment in Tokyo. Source

Me Want Look Boobies

2005-02-28T00:33:00.000-08:00

Iris Riviera is suing the Gorilla Foundation, best known as the caretakers for sign-language-speaking ape Koko, because she was repeatedly asked to show her breasts to the gorilla. Francine Patterson, the foundation's president, told Riviera that Koko "wants to see your nipples." Two other former employees have also sued the foundation with similar claims, but Riviera was the only one of the three that actually fell for it and bared her breasts to Koko. When asked about the incident, the gorilla signed "no comment." Source

Can We Shoot Down That Missile Heading For Ottawa? Pretty Please?

2005-02-25T10:50:00.000-08:00

In a surprise move, Canada has decided not to participate in the United States' missile defense plan, where rogue missiles will be shot down using other missiles (anyone remember Spies Like Us?). Prime Minister Paul Martin added that the U. S. should get permission from Canada before it fires any missiles into their airspace. Martin explained his decision to pull out of the program was because he believed an attack on Canada was very unlikely since "only a handful of people even know we exist." Source

It's All Part of Their Evil Plan to Produce a Generation of Fatter, Lazier Americans

2005-02-25T10:49:00.000-08:00

Sony's popular Everquest II, an online fantasy game that claims to have 300,000 active players, now features a way to order real-life pizza. Simply type in "/pizza" at the game's command prompt and you'll be directed to the Pizza Hut Web site. The addition is Sony's response to an outcry by Everquest players who have complained that the 30 seconds it takes to actually pick up a phone and order pizza is affecting their game play. Source

Next Time, Try It In the Summer

2005-02-25T10:48:00.000-08:00

An American who wanted to see his Internet girlfriend in Winnipeg, Manitoba ended up with a severe case of frostbite that may cost him a few fingers. Charles Gonsoulin couldn't enter Canada the usual way--by car, plane, or bus--because he is a convicted criminal. Instead, he decided to walk across the border from North Dakota. Gonsoulin got lost in the snow and was eventually rescued by RCMP officers. Ironically, Gonsoulin met the Winnipeg woman in an Internet chat room for depressed people. How much more depressing could this incident be? Source

Some People Will Bet On Anything

2005-02-25T10:46:00.000-08:00

If Pope John Paul II recovers from his recent surgery, all bets are off--literally. Irish bookmaker Paddy Power has begun running odds on who will be the pontiff's successor, putting Cardinal Dionigi Tettamanzi the favorite at 5-2. The longshot is Archbishop Wilfried Napier of South African, at 33-1. It's a sick world, no? Source

Next Thing You Know, They'll Be Installing Rubber Detectors At School Entrances

2005-02-24T12:39:00.000-08:00

A seventh-grade student in Florida is facing expulsion after brandishing what school officials deem a "weapon"--a rubber band. Robert Gomez found the rubber band and slipped it on his wrist. When his teacher asked him to hand it over, Gomez tossed it on her desk. That terrorizing incident earned the boy a ten-day suspension for "threatening his teacher." School officials say that Gomez is fortunate the object wasn't a paper clip or he might have received the death sentence. Source

Ya Gotta Love Those Kooky Germans

2005-02-24T12:37:00.000-08:00

When President Bush visited the city of Mainz in Germany yesterday, the locals didn't exactly welcome him with open arms. Some 12,000 protestors--or 4% of Mainz's population--marched through the city. One man held a poster that read, "We had our Hitler, now you have yours." Since the protestors were by and large kept away from the president, Bush continues to remain blissfully unaware of how much the world dislikes him. Source

Well, At Least He Didn't Think It Was Preparation H

2005-02-24T12:36:00.000-08:00

An 81-year-old monk in Thailand accidentally glued his eyes shut when he mistook a tube of superglue for eyedrops. Doctors were able to partially restore the monk's sight by using a chemical solvent to dissolve the glue. The monk, whose name is Phra Khru Prapatworakhun, released a statement and said, "Holy crap, do I feel like an ass." Source

That Place Is a Disaster Area For So Many Reasons

2005-02-24T12:33:00.000-08:00

The mayor of Los Angeles has asked the federal government to declare his city a disaster area. The request has less to do with the recent storms, mudslides and flooding that have plagued the city and more to do with the fact that L. A. is the home of people like Pauly Shore and Jimmy Kimmel. Source

Talk About Your Blasts From the Past...

2005-02-23T10:11:00.000-08:00

A cosmic blast some 50,000 light-years away from Earth finally reached us in December. The explosion was so powerful it briefly altered our planet's upper atmosphere. Scientists say that this is the biggest flash since Sharon Stone showed her hooch in Basic Instinct. Source

Man, That Is a LOT of Poop!

2005-02-23T10:10:00.000-08:00

A manure pile that has been burning for almost four months in Nebraska has finally been extinguished. The mound of crap was the byproduct of a giant feedlot nearby that can handle as many as 12,000 cows at any given time. Local tourism officials are disappointed that the fire is now out because the giant pile of cow shit was the most interesting thing to see in Nebraska. Source

This Could Only Happen In Uganda

2005-02-23T10:09:00.000-08:00

Two constables in Uganda were commended on Tuesday for refusing bribes and fighting off robbers--in short, for doing their job. Corruption is so rampant among the low-paid police force that anyone who is not corrupt gets singled out. Ironically, the incident happened while the constables were guarding a store that sells exam papers to secondary students. Apparently, the local school system is corrupt as well. Source

Get Ready For the Senior Citizen Stoners

2005-02-23T10:07:00.000-08:00

New studies indicate that smoking marijuana may help ease the effects of Alzheimer's disease and possibly even slow its progression. Tests with laboratory rats suggest that the cannabinoids found in marijuana actually help improve mental function. However, there are a number of inconsistencies with these findings. For example, if pot makes your mind clearer then how do you explain Tommy Chong? Source

Cutting It Off Was Bad Enough, But Did You Have to Flush It Down the Toilet?

2005-02-22T12:34:00.001-08:00

An Anchorage man is recuperating after having his severed penis reattached. The separation of man and penis was handled by 35-year-old Kim Tran, who did the job with a kitchen knife while the man's arms were tied to a window handle. Tran then flushed the Johnson down the toilet, where it was later retrieved by a city worker. It seems that the incident occurred because the man wanted to break up with Tran. Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned... Source

If You're In Alabama and You Want to Buy a French Tickler, It Looks Like You're Out of Luck

2005-02-22T12:34:00.000-08:00

The Supreme Court refused to rule against legislature in Alabama that bans the sale and distribution of sex toys. The law was created in 1998 with the reasoning that the use of sexual devices leads to more serious illegal activities, like prostitution. If you've ever seen an Alabama hooker, you'll know why that makes perfect sense. Source