Friday, January 14, 2005
Make Homosexual Love, Not War
Recently declassified documents reveal that the Pentagon had plans to develop a chemical weapon "sex bomb" that would make enemy soldiers horny and sexually irresistible to each other. No details about the project were revealed, but it's believed that the unusual weapon would be developed in cooperation with Welsh superstar Tom Jones. Source
Aw... They Were My Favorite Couple
Two huge Hollywood entities are getting closer to a separation: Walt Disney Company and Miramax. Rumors abound about the break-up, the most popular being that Disney wanted a baby while Miramax wanted to focus on its career. Others believe it has something to do with Angelina Jolie. Source
Hey, I Think I Just Got Fingered By eBay
Online auction site eBay recently notified sellers that they plan to increase their prices, effective February 18. Hardest hit are those who run eBay Stores, with commission fees rising 65% and store subscriptions getting bumped up 60%. Regular auction listing commissions will stay the same, but some "extras" will also go up. Last year, eBay's net revenue increased 64% to $142.5 million, fueled mostly by the efforts of small businesses who use the auction site as their primary sales vehicle. Many are seeing the recent fee increases as the business equivalent of a complete proctological exam. Source
And If You Go For the Knee-Shooters, You Can Retire In a Year
A popular speaker on career options recently told eighth-grade students at Jane Lathrop Stanford Middle School in California that they could make big money as exotic dancers. While that particular occupation was just one on his list of 140 potential careers, management consultant William Fried told the students that they could make upwards of $250,000 per year as strippers and "for every two inches up there, you should get another $50,000 on your salary." Dozens of girls are now saving up their allowances and babysitting money for a set of 48DDDs. Source
Thursday, January 13, 2005
Your Tax Dollars Hard At Work
The United States federal government has just released new dietary guidelines which suggest that eating more nutritious foods and exercising more is the key to becoming physically fit. This report comes as a major shock to those who mistakenly thought the way to lose weight was to sit on your ass and eat potato chips. Source
Will Her Husband King Latifah Be There Too?
Queen Latifah has been scheduled to host the 47th Annual Grammy Awards next month. In other news, the ratings for the 47th Annual Grammy Awards are expected to be the lowest in history. Source
If We're Lucky, the Comet Will Be Filled With Creamy Nougat
NASA's Deep Impact spacecraft lifted off successfully on Wednesday, the start of a mission to research the composition of Comet Tempel 1. Once it gets close enough, the spacecraft will deploy an "impactor" to blast a football stadium-sized crater into the comet. Deep Impact is a particularly historic mission, because it marks the first time a spacecraft has been named after a crappy movie. Source
Hey, They Didn't Seem Like Such Bad Guys On Hogan's Heroes
England's 20-year-old Prince Harry is being blasted by critics the world over for appearing as a Nazi soldier at a costume party. Harry's older brother, Prince William, was also at the "colonial and native" themed party but chose to dress as a non-controversial leopard. How a Nazi soldier and a leopard relate to the party's theme is unknown. Source
Wednesday, January 12, 2005
If He Won't Bring That Midget With Him, He Can't Come
Kid Rock has been dropped from the line-up of "entertainers" appearing at a youth concert during the gala celebrations for the presidential inauguration next week. The event features performers JoJo and Hillary Duff, and will be hosted by Bush's twin daughters Barbara and Jenna. Sadly, the talentless and uncouth Kid Rock would have been the best part of the show. Source
As Long As They Keep the Road Clean, It's All Good
The Supreme Court has ruled that a regional chapter of the Ku Klux Klan in Mississippi can participate in the state's "Adopt-a-Road" program, where the group promises to periodically remove trash from a stretch of highway. But the ruling comes with the stipulation that the KKK members must wear their white sheets and pointy hats while cleaning up the garbage because, in the words of one Supreme Court justice, "that would be funnier than shit." Source
That's Okay, I'll Keep the Ulcer
Researchers in Britain are conducting a three-year study on an old-school treatment from the days before antibiotics: maggots. It's believed that maggots can be effective in cleaning wounds by eating dead tissue, and the concept will be tested in treating some patients afflicted with ulcers. Where the researchers will find patients who are willing to have maggots put into their bodies is unknown, but one source being considered is the Fear Factor contestant pool. Source
Maybe They Just Hid Them Really, Really Well
The White House has officially ended the search for weapons of mass destruction in Iraq. The imaginary threat was President Bush's primary justification for the current war in Iraq, a faux pas that has cost taxpayers an estimated $150 billion dollars and claimed the lives of 1,357 Americans as of this writing. No joke necessary. Source
Tuesday, January 11, 2005
Well, I Guess His Work Was Done
A 69-year-old Presbyterian minister died of probable cardiac arrest while delivering a sermon on Sunday. Reverend Jack Arnold's sermon included the following quote from John Wesley: "Until my work on this earth is done, I am immortal. But when my work for Christ is done... I go to be with Jesus." The Lord has not released a statement regarding the cause of the sudden termination. Source
Don't Use That Kind of Language With Us
Mary Mapes, the producer responsible for approving a discredited 60 Minutes Wednesday story about President Bush's questionable National Guard service accused CBS executives of "vitriolic scapegoating" after being fired. The whole situation has put CBS into a tizzy as those in upper management scratch their heads and wonder what the word "vitriolic" means. Source
It Only Seems Like the Days Are Getting Longer
The magnitude 8.9 earthquake in Asia last month has affected us all by altering the earth's rotation. According to NASA scientists, the quake shifted the North Pole by a few centimeters and decreased the length of a day by 2.68 microseconds (millionths of second). Please adjust your clocks accordingly. Source
We Need That Money For Our Wars, You Know
President Bush has declined to promise any more tsunami disaster relief assistance for the time being. More than $4 billion worldwide has been raised so far, amounting to roughly $27,000 per victim. The president said that the United States is "committed today and we will be committed tommorrow." Bush later revised his statement, explaining that he meant to say that he should be committed. Source
Monday, January 10, 2005
But If No One Is There To Hear Them, Will They Make a Sound?
A 100-mile-long chunk of ice that has been drifting towards Antarctica is expected to collide with the continent no later than January 15. When the iceberg--named B-15A--smacks into the Drygalski Ice Tongue, the impact will likely "dent their bumpers," according to NASA scientists. Sadly, neither the iceberg nor the continent are covered under any kind of insurance.
Hey, This Is Starting To Sound Serious
A security flaw in Microsoft's Internet Explorer 6.0 has been found that can open machines up to hackers if certain rogue Web sites are visited. While this has already been labelled a "critical" issue by Microsoft and a patch is being prepared, Danish security company Secunia--which no one has ever heard of until now--has upgraded the warning to "extremely critical." That is the second-highest warning level; the highest is "Jesus Christ, get that thing off your computer right away."
That Can't Be Safe
General Motors is betting that the future of automobiles is not in gasoline-powered engines, but hydrogen-fueled ones. The announcement was made at the North American International Auto Show in Detroit, where GM also said that it's goal is to have a high-volume, hydrogen-powered vehicle on the market by 2010. The first model will be a full-sized SUV called the Pontiac Hindenburg.
Crack Kills... Indirectly
A 46-year-old Detroit woman who was upset because another woman owed her money for drugs set fire to an apartment building, resulting in two deaths and at least 11 injuries. Among the fatalities was a four-year-old boy who died of smoke inhalation. The arsonist claims she started the fire only as a scare tactic and didn't mean to hurt anybody; she now faces possible murder charges. Whether or not she got the crack money owed to her is unknown.
