Thursday, March 03, 2005
Hey Lady, Is That Your Pussy I See?
An Idaho woman asked to pull over by a frantic driver on Interstate 15 was shocked when the man walked up to her car and handed her Cuddle Bug--her cat. It seems that Torri Hutchinson drove ten miles from her home with her cat on the top of her car. She had even stopped for gas but failed to see the feline. When asked to comment about the incident Cuddle Bug said, "When that crazy bitch pulled onto the interstate, I thought I was a goner." Source
And This Comes As a Surprise Why?
For the first time in almost five years, the United States Army fell short of its monthly recruiting goal. While they had hoped to sign up 7,050 active duty recruits, they were only able to bring in 5,114 new soldiers, or 76% of their stated goal. It's uncertain why the Army is surprised that they can't convince people to sign up when there's an active (and pointless) war going on. Source
It Was a Crappy Hiding Place Anyway
While fleeing from police responding to a domestic dispute call, 19-year-old Brandy Shante Moss decided to hide in a septic tank. One of the police officers stood on the tank and caused it to collapse, injuring Moss. How come we don't get to see this kind of thing on Cops? Source
If You Want to See Some REALLY Unusual Life Forms, Try West Hollywood
Researchers have discovered several unusual creatures thriving around a thermal vent in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean. The white mineral chimney, dubbed "the Lost City," is the home to strangely transparent shrimp, crabs, and other aquatic life forms. Lead researcher Deborah S. Kelley said only that the newly-discovered creatures are "delicious." Source
Wednesday, March 02, 2005
I'd Rather Have Him Punch Me In the Head Than Listen to Him Sing
Mike Tyson has taken his career in a frighteningly different direction, appearing at a festival in Italy as a featured singer. After performing a mercifully short rendition of Volare, the infamous boxer followed with a few seconds of a rap version of New York, New York. This is not Tyson's first foray into the world of music, however; he was also the voice of Theodore on several Alvin & the Chipmunks records. Source
And You Thought Your Job Was Bad
What does it take to get an elephant pregnant? A good come-on line and a very well-stocked liquor cabinet. Seriously though, all you need is a German scientist outfitted with a bicycle helmet, special goggles, a plastic suit, and a whole hell of a lot of nerve. The Seattle Zoo recently called in Dr. Thomas Hildebrandt and Dr. Frank Goeritz in an attempt to artifically inseminate their 26-year-old Asian elephant Chai. The process started with an enema that produced several wheelbarrows full of elephant poop. Next, Hildebrandt reached in and... you really don't want to know. Source
I Guess the Question Is, Why Did She Keep Them In the First Place?
Ex-topless dancer Tawny Peaks, who was sued in 1998 for battering a strip club patron with her "crazy big" breasts, has put one of her size 69-HH implants on eBay. She had the giant funbags removed in 1999 and is now a homemaker and mother of three. Anyone want to bet that the winner of the auction will be a certain online casino that has a penchant for snatching up odd things for sale on eBay? Source
Brad and Jen They Ain't
Ex-Bond girl Denise Richards and actor Charlie Sheen have announced that they are getting a divorce due to "irreconcilable differences." The split comes as a huge surprise to those of us who didn't know or didn't care that they were married in the first place. Source
Tuesday, March 01, 2005
Sorry, I Thought You Lads Were the Beatles
When four of Britain's most famous musicians were guests at Buckingham Palace on Tuesday, the Queen didn't recognize them and had to ask, "And what do you do?" Brian May, Jimmy Page, Eric Clapton, and Jeff Beck were surprised when, after learning that they were all noted guitar players, Her Highness produced a vintage 1954 Fender Stratocaster and joined in on an impromptu 40-minute jam session. Source
Now Here's Someone Who Knows How to Live
An 111-year-old woman from Ohio was able to survive a bout of pneumonia three weeks ago. Mary Margaret Dean-Smith is the 11th oldest person in the United States and the 30th oldest in the world. She no longer walks but her 79-year-old daughter says, "She answers yes or no questions, except for occasional times when she has an urge to talk. Then she talks until she wears herself out and falls asleep." In other words, she's just like any other woman. Source
For His Sake, I Hope That Airplane Has a Toilet
Millionaire Steve Fossett took off from Salina, Kansas yesterday on a quest to be the first man to fly solo around the globe without refueling. Piloting an experimental jet with a cruising altitude of 45,000 feet, he has downed at least three diet chocolate milkshakes. Apparently, Fossett is also trying to become the first man to experience diarrhea at eight miles above sea level. Source
This Just In: It's Very Easy to Score In the Philippines
The Health Secretary of the Philippines has stated that as many as 30 percent of the country's population doesn't know where babies come from. Even those who have already had numerous children believe that babies are simply "gifts from God." Not surprisingly, many Filippinas also believe that cookies are made by little elves and that George W. Bush actually won the 2000 election. Source
Monday, February 28, 2005
The Rattle Wasn't Nearly As Funny As the Body Cavity Search the Canadians Gave Me
Another prank has gone horribly awry, this time forcing the closure of highways on both sides of the United States/Canada border. During a routine vehicle inspection, Canadian officials found a "suspicious device" that turned out to be a metal tube filled with ball bearings and crimped at both ends. Co-workers of the car's driver had placed the device there as a prank, thinking that the rattle would annoy him. U. S. officials are now deciding whether or not to press charges against the pranksters. It seems that in the post-9/11 world, a sense of humor by government officials is getting harder and harder to come by. Source
We're Going to the Sneaker Museum? How About You Just Put a Bullet In My Head Instead?
A Los Angeles County social worker has brought his collection of nearly 200 pairs of sneakers to the Ahmanson Senior Citizen Center. The traveling exhibit centers around the evolution of the sneaker, from a pair of 1930s Red Ball basketball shoes to a $200 pair of Nike Air Jordan XVIIs. Docents are gearing up for the influx of visitors, as the exhibit is expected to bring in up to four people a month. Source
Isn't She Lovely, Isn't She Con-ta-gious...
An unusual beauty pageant in Botswana's capital of Gaborone has twelve girls competing for the title of "Miss HIV." That's right, everyone entering the contest must be HIV-Positive, just like a third of the population of Botswana. It's one of the first beauty pageants where the male viewers don't fantasize about having sex with the winner. Source
Now We Know How Mad Cow Disease Got Started
A 63-year-old Wisconsin man has been accused of having sex with cows. Harold G. Hart allegedly confessed to police that he had relations with calves at least 50 times, stopping in 1963 but resuming again about a year ago. Hart admitted that he would occasionally stop at a Greenwood farm when the bars and strip clubs had closed down. Apparently, hookers are in short supply in dairy country. Source
You Mean I Carried That Damn Backpack Around For Eight Years For Nothing?
Eight-year-old Matilda Merrell from Britain was diagnosed with isolated bulbar palsy as a baby and had to survive on a liquid food source delivered from a backpack into a tube in her stomach. But as it turns out, the girl is perfectly healthy aside from a case of swollen tonsils--oops! On a recent visit to the United States, Merrell got a second opinion and was told she could eat solid foods after all. She was promptly taken to a Jack-In-the-Box restaurant and ordered a breakfast sandwich and hash browns. After tasting the meal, the little girl quickly decided to go back to the liquid stuff. Source
If You Really Feel That Way, Why Don't You Just Buy Us Some Better Schools?
Microsoft's Bill Gates criticized the American school system on Saturday, saying that they do a poor job of educating students. Gates added that one of the major problems with today's high schools is that the technology they use is obsolete. Hmm... could that possibly be because operating systems and applications like Microsoft Office are so goddamn expensive? Source
I Understand Their Rockets Are Half the Size of Our Rockets and Have Built-In Digital Clocks
A successful launch by the Japan Aerospace Exploration Agency--the Japanese equivalent of NASA--may be just the tip of the iceberg for that country's space program. Future plans could include manned space flights and even a research base on the moon. If the moonbase becomes a reality, the JAEA could make living quarters available to the public. Even if the rent is millions of dollars a year, it would still be cheaper than a tiny one-room apartment in Tokyo. Source
Me Want Look Boobies
Iris Riviera is suing the Gorilla Foundation, best known as the caretakers for sign-language-speaking ape Koko, because she was repeatedly asked to show her breasts to the gorilla. Francine Patterson, the foundation's president, told Riviera that Koko "wants to see your nipples." Two other former employees have also sued the foundation with similar claims, but Riviera was the only one of the three that actually fell for it and bared her breasts to Koko. When asked about the incident, the gorilla signed "no comment." Source
