Saturday, January 08, 2005
It's Bad Enough We're Shopping At Wal-Mart, Now This
Some shoppers at the Muscatine, Iowa Wal-Mart last September were greeted by 65-year-old Dean Wooten and shown a photograph of the elderly man wearing nothing but a plastic Wal-Mart bag. Wooten quipped that the mega-store was "cutting back on expenses" and that the sack would be the new employee uniform. Several customers complained, and Wooten was reprimanded. The store later fired the greeter after he continued to show the picture to shoppers.
The Saddest Part Is That They'll Have Trouble Finding People To Date
Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston have announced that have decided to "formally separate." While many people are mourning the breakup of Hollywood's favorite couple, the split comes as good news to the millions of pathetic men and women who think they now have a shot at nailing either one of them.
Tsunami Hurts Alabama Shrimpin' Bidness
The Asian tsunami disaster has indirectly hurt the shrimping business in Alabama and several other states. The shrimpers have claimed that low-price imports from Asian countries have made competition difficult and lobbied the International Trade Commission to impose stricter tariffs and share the revenue with them. The ITC initially agreed, but will now revisit its decision in consideration of shrimpers from India and Thailand. No word yet as to how these latest developments will affect the Bubba Gump Shrimp Company.
Yep, I Shot Her. No, Wait... She Killed Herself. Yep.
Record producer Phil Spector--who looks a little like Dudley Moore on acid--originally told witnesses that he shot actress Lana Clarkson to death but later changed his story to say she committed suicide, according to recently-released grand jury transcripts. For those who don't know, Clarkson played the bit role of Mr. Vargas' hot wife in Fast Times At Ridgemont High.
Friday, January 07, 2005
If This Works For Him, Then the Fox Network Owes Me Billions
A Cleveland man, claiming that an episode of NBC's Fear Factor so disgusted him that he became physically ill, is suing the television network for $2.5 million. The gross-out occurred during a show in which contestants had to eat dead rats.
Sordid Adventures At Neverland
Allegations against pop star Michael Jackson say that the victim, a teenager diagnosed with cancer, was given wine, vodka, tequila, and whiskey, then molested. A pair of the boy's underwear was later found in the bedroom of Jackson's six-year-old daughter. Jackson denies all charges, and friends of the entertainer say that the allegations cannot possibly be true--Michael would never mix drinks like that.
This Just In: 49% of Americans Are Retarded
At the start of his second term in office, President George W. Bush has one of the lowest approval ratings in recent history. Only 49% of the population feel he is doing a good job, and more than half of the people polled are unhappy with Congress. The President continues to remain blissfully unaware of just how many people despise him.
Geez, Bill Must Be Pissed!
During the International Consumer Electronic Show (CES) in Las Vegas, Bill Gates was demonstrating the remarkable capabilities of Windows XP Media Center when the operating system froze up unexpectedly. Later that day, a "blue screen of death" appeared when a product manager was attempting to demonstrate a video game. Similar problems plagued Gates when he previewed Windows 98 at the CES convention several years ago. It's good to see that Microsoft has come so far since then.
Thursday, January 06, 2005
The Worst of Both Worlds
The BBC has announced plans to air an uncut performance of Jerry Springer - The Opera, featuring David Soul (who has been cryogenically frozen since starring in the 1970s show Starsky & Hutch) in the title role. The broadcasting company has been blasted with complaints from church groups and panty-twisted individuals who claim that the show contains more than 8,000 instances of "potty mouth." While that may be true, it is still 37% less than the swearing that goes on in a typical one-hour episode of Springer's show.
China Now 1.3 Billion People... Exactly
The Chinese population reached an astounding 1.3 billion citizens today after a baby boy was born in Beijing. Perhaps even more amazing, the Chinese government claims to know exactly how many people there are in the country at any given time. The boy's father says he is very happy, and that his child "will be blessed all his life." Surely he will stand apart from the other 1,299,999,999 people in China.
Feds Screw Up Bitchin' New Year's Eve Party
On December 30, Federal officials in Montreal seized almost $1 million worth of cocaine discovered on a flight from the Dominican Republic. No arrests were made; presumably, the drugs did not contain boxcutters or other terrorist-related implements.
Nine of Ten News Stories Now Tsunami-Related
Studies show that nine out of every ten news stories concern the tsunami disaster in Asia. Hardest hit are people who crave information about other important topics, like what Madonna is up to.
Wednesday, January 05, 2005
How About Just "Pez"?
In the Who-Gives-a-Damn-Department, Jennifer Lopez says she's so tired of the "J.Lo" moniker, she wanted to call her new album Call Me Jennifer. Instead, she was persuaded to go with the title Rebirth. I suggest she go a completely different way and use the more truthful name of Total Crap.
Are They Being Paranoid, Or Just Plain Smart?
The North Koreans are gearing up for a long war with the United States, fearing that they will be the next target after Iraq. The 33-page "Detailed Wartime Guidelines" was issued in April of 2004 and calls for the build-up of underground facilities for key government and military units in the case of war. The manual also contained guidelines for the people of North Korea to evacuate to underground bunkers with weapons, food and portraits of their leader, Kim Jong II. The question remains: Will Dubya pull his old "weapons of mass destruction" ploy again?
Tsunami Aid Tops $1.7 Billion
The total amount of aid pledged by the major governments of the world for tsunami disaster relief has reached $1.7 billion--and that's not including donations made by individuals and business organizations. The most generous country was Japan, who pledged $500 million. The United States was next with $350 million; Canada came in 9th with a $65.5 million pledge. With an estimated 150,000 victims of the disaster, that works out to about $12,000 per victim in government-sponsored relief.
Give Me French Or Give Me Death
Two nurses had their licenses revoked in Montreal when they failed a written French exam. Even though the experienced nurses worked at an English hospital and can speak French, the Office de la Langue Francaise, a watchdog group charged with enforcing bilingual workplace standards in Quebec, felt that the women should lose their jobs. Ironically, the Canadian province is currently facing a severe shortage of nurses.
Tuesday, January 04, 2005
Thank God, They Got the Bastard Responsible
Finally, someone lost his job over the whole tsunami disaster. Suparerk Thantiratonawong, the director general of Thailand's Meteorological Department, was given the boot for failing to issue a warning about the possibility of giant waves. While earthquakes cannot be predicted with any accuracy whatsoever and at least one previous director has stated that earlier tsunami warnings were ignored by government officials anyway, it seems that someone has to take the blame. Could it be that Thantiratonawong is Thai for "scapegoat?"
Please... Haven't These People Been Through Enough?
Willie Nelson will be heading up the obligatory "relief concert" for tsunami victims. Also playing at Sunday's benefit will be Patty Griffin, Spoon, Joe Ely, Alejandro Escovedo, Bruce Robison, Kelly Willis, the Geezinslaws, and other people you've never heard of.
Spoken Like a True Boob
Pamela Anderson said she can't understand why people are so fascinated by her breasts. She also said that her humongous funbags are the only part of her body that she's had surgically altered, leading us to believe that her gigantic lips are 100% natural. What does she take us for -- boobs?
60 Years of Sexual Abuse Now Worth $100 Million
The Roman Catholic diocese of Orange County, California had to pony up $100 million to settle 90 different lawsuits of sexual abuse that occurred from 1936 to 1996. Thirty-one priests, ten laypeople, one religious brother and two nuns have been named as the pervs (er, perps) in the various cases. Another 800 lawsuits have yet to be settled in California. Hallelujah! The Catholic church is finally starting to pay for its sins.
Monday, January 03, 2005
Pig Poop Power Pact
What does powering Tokyo's Ginza have to do with pig manure? Plenty! By working out a deal with a pork producer in Chile who has managed to reduce or eliminate methane fumes from the poop of its pigs, Japan's power plants will be able to release extra carbon dioxide into the atmosphere--one puts out less, so the other can put out more. It's the perfect deal: the pork people make a bundle, and the Japanese power companies can crank out more juice. The only losers are the rest of the world, what with the pesky issue of global warming.
A New Low
A woman is given up for adoption as an infant, and she's never met her real father. Heartbreaking, you might say. But if you're a Fox Television executive, you'd be thinking of a brand new reality show! That's right, it's Who's Your Daddy? (Monday at 8pm), where this unfortunate woman is faced with eight potential fathers. Should she pick the right one, there's $100,000 in it for her. And for the executives at Fox, it means a first-class ticket to Hell.
Too Much Money, Too Little Brains
A "secret admirer" of sorts gave Mariah Carey a diamond necklace for Christmas with a note that said, "I want to spend the rest of my life with you." Sweet, but this is obviously someone who hasn't seen the movie Glitter.
Get Ready for the Chinese Cars!
Malcolm Bricklin doesn't have a very good track record when it comes to cars. In the 1970s, he introduced the Bricklin, a sports car with gull-wing doors and an acrylic body. While a total of 192,000 cars were supposed to be produced within a four-year period, less than 3,000 were actually made before the company went bankrupt. In the 1980s, Malcolm tried again by introducing us to the $4,000 Yugo--a vehicle which made the adage "you get what you pay for" seem especially poignant. Now Bricklin is working on a deal to import cars into the United States from Chinese government-owned Chery Automobile Company. Will we all be driving cars from Red China in the near future? With Malcolm's history, it seems doubtful.
