Thursday, March 31, 2005
Man Starves Woman to Death, Gets Off Scot Free
Terri Schiavo, the brain-damaged Florida woman who had her feeding tube removed 13 days ago, has died. The tube was removed after a lengthy court battle in which Schiavo's husband, Michael Schiavo, insisted that his wife said she would not want to live if in a vegetative state. Since it took 13 days for Terry to eventually die of dehyrdation and starvation, it would appear that her will to live was actually quite strong. Source
Included In the Sale Price Was the Woman's Dignity
A woman in Tennessee made a little over $15,000 when she sold her name on eBay. Once the legal paperwork is complete, Terri Illigan will now be known as... you guessed it, GoldenPalace.com. Mrs. dotcom decided to run the auction in order to raise money to send one of her children to a golf school. If one of the kids needs braces, perhaps she could consider suing the online casino for using her name. Source
Really, What Did You Expect From Him With a Name Like That?
A 60-year-old man named Donald Death Jr. has been arraigned on charges of stealing an estimated $293,000 from a cemetery association on Long Island. Death was the association's chairman and assistant treasurer, but now faces up to 15 years in prison. Attorney Melvin Roth, who is representing Death, said that the entire amount has already been repaid. Is it just an eerie coincidence that a guy named Death was involved with a cemetery? Source
And What Are We Going to Do With This Information?
The American Cancer Society reports that the majority of cancer-related deaths in America could be prevented if we stopped smoking, got more exercise, ate healthier, and underwent periodic cancer screenings. In response to the recent findings, Americans plan to continue smoking, sitting on their ass doing nothing, eating junk food, and only visiting their doctor when on the brink of death. Well, at least that's my plan. Source
Wednesday, March 30, 2005
I'd Like to Use a Club On Some of These People
Up to 320,000 young seals are being slaughtered in Quebec by thousands of hunters armed with rifles, spears, and clubs. Demand for seal skins in eastern Europe and China has led the Canadian government to lift the ban on seal hunting and allow almost a million seals to be killed over three years. In related news, Canada really, really sucks. Source
Did He Stab Him, Or Did He Virtually Stab Him?
Shanghai man Qiu Chengwei was so infuriated when his friend borrowed his "dragon sabre" and sold it on eBay that he attacked Zhu Caoyuan at home, stabbing him repeatedly in the chest. The unusual part is that the sabre didn't even exist in the first place but was a virtual sword the two had won while playing the videogame Legend of Mir 3. Authorities agree that if Chengwei had used the dragon sabre to kill Caoyuan, it would have been the perfect crime since the murder weapon would never be found. Source
I'm Really Starting to Miss Fictional TV
Venus and Serena Williams, professional tennis players, have signed on with the ABC Family network to do a reality TV show. The show will feature the sisters "as they find their place in the world outside of tennis." Television executives believe it will be the lowest-rated reality show ever because really, who gives a damn? Source
Hmm... Think It Will Be Covered By Blue Cross?
Russian researchers believe that spanking and caning can be good for your health. High levels of pain produce endorphins that boost the immune system, release sex hormones, reduce appetite, and lead to feelings of euphoria. One Russian doctor is now charging patients about $107 per "treatment." Does this mean that dominatrices now have to file for medical licenses? Source
Tuesday, March 29, 2005
Sorry, But You're Never Going to See Those Eggs Again
A Wisconsin woman realized she made a terrible mistake in donating several plastic Easter eggs to a local thrift store. The eggs belonged to her deceased mother who had been planning a special Easter egg hunt and stuffed the eggs with cash. The family has appealed to the thrift store patrons to return the money, but no one has come forth yet. This is the biggest thrift store donation screw-up since Cindy gave away Marcia's diary on an early episode of The Brady Bunch. Source
One Swift Kick and Those People Could Have Gotten Their Mail
Several residents in Hobart, Indiana were unable to receive their mail because postal workers were frightened away by a dog running around on the loose. It turns out that the terror of Guyer Street was in fact Bobo, a 4.5-pound Chihuahua. According to police, the tiny dog was being very aggressive and tried to bite people's ankles. The animal's owner, Vicki Seber, has been ticketed for failing to keep Bobo restrained. The mail carriers, on the other hand, have to live with the shame of being scared off by a dog the size of a small cat. Source
Playboy Was Right... That Is a Party School!
The 25-member chapter of the Phi Kappa Tau fraternity at California State University Chico has been suspended for hosting the filming of a toga-themed porno movie. Four actresses and two actors were provided by an adult film company, and three Chico State students also appeared in the video. Fittingly, the university had once been ranked as the "top U.S. party school" by Playboy magazine. CSU is investigating the incident, but staff is being hampered in their efforts by the deluge of students now applying for admittance. Source
I Would Have Expected Much More From Those People
When Gus's World Famous Chicken in downtown Memphis started to give out free chicken dinners to the poor for Easter, things quickly turned ugly. The "customers" began pushing and yelling, forcing the restaurant to close after only one hour of serving the free meals. The restaurant plans to try again next year, but this time they'll be equipped with batons and tasers. Source
Monday, March 28, 2005
I'll Have the Enormous Omelet Sandwich, Please. And While You're At It, Just Put a Bullet In My Head
Burger King is poised to start selling a brand new breakfast sandwich that consists of one sausage patty, two eggs, two slices of American cheese, and three strips of bacon. Dubbed the "Enormous Omelet Sandwich," the item will contain 730 calories and 47 grams of fat. To prevent costly lawsuits against the restaurant chain, the sandwich will also come with a nitroglycerin pill for anyone suffering the inevitable heart attack brought on by eating something so unhealthy. Source
It's Like Having One of Those Tricorders From Star Trek
Korean manufacturer Samsung has announced that it will create a new line of cell phones that feature a color display that can be rotated horizontally. The new phones will also include a 1.3 megapixel digital camera with flash, stereo sound, MP3 rendering and GPS orientation. The ability to place and receive phone calls has been removed, however, in order to make room for all of the other stuff. Source
My Advice to Anyone In Arizona: Stay the Hell Away From the Border
The 1,000 volunteers expected to participate in the Minuteman Project, where civilians patrol the U.S.-Mexico border in Arizona, have already been targeted by a Central American gang. James Gilchrist, organizer of the project, said "We're not worried because half of our recruits are retired trained combat soldiers." Hmm... what about the other half? Source
Shit Down, Czech Out
A 34-year-old Czechoslovakian tractor driver died when eight tons of manure he was dumping somehow fell on top of him. Funny, that is exactly how I always imagined my own life would end. Source
