Wednesday, March 23, 2005
This Is the Fourth Clocky I've Had to Buy This Week
In the Annoying Products Department, scientists at MIT's Media Lab have created a robotic alarm clock (dubbed Clocky) that will roll off your nightstand and move itself to another part of the room once you hit its "snooze" button. The idea is that you'll be wide awake if you have to physically get up and find the alarm clock--presumably so you can smash the little bastard into a million pieces. Also in the works at MIT is a product exclusively for fat people: a mechanical cheesecake that runs away and hides itself as soon as you take a bite. Source
Their First Slogan Idea Was "Fuck Wal-Mart"
In an attempt to sway consumers away from mega-chains like Wal-Mart and Target, several Louisville small businesses have banded together for a PR campaign urging people to "Keep Louisville Weird" by shopping at unique, locally-owned stores. Picking up on the marketing alliance concept, several small businesses in the Garden State have started their own "Keep New Jersey a Shithole" campaign. Source
We Don't Care If They're Gay, But Do They Have to Be Naked Too?
The S. V. Polynesia, a 248-foot schooner owned by Windjammer Barefoot Cruises, was stopped and prevented from entering the Caribbean country of St. Kitts and Nevis because the passenger list consisted of gay nudists. The tiny island nation had admitted gay cruise passengers before, so perhaps it was the nudist part that prompted them to bar entry of this particular vessel. Now, who wants to go on a cruise ship after knowing that a boatload of gay nudists just got off? Source
His Flash Animation Tells the Story: This Kid Had Some Serious Issues
Jeff Weise, the Minnesota teenager who killed his grandfather, his grandfather's female companion, a security guard, a teacher, and five of his fellow students before committing suicide on Monday had uploaded a 30-second Flash animation to a Web site last October. The brief movie shows a crudely-drawn figure shooting four victims (including a guy in a KKK outfit) and throwing a hand grenade into a police car--an eerie portent of things to come. If the kid wasn't totally nuts, Weise might have had a promising career in animation or doing concept art for a Tarantino movie. Source
Tuesday, March 22, 2005
At Least They Didn't Pull That "Zero Tolerance" Crap This Time
When a four-year-old boy found 40 small bags of crack cocaine in his book bag, he thought it was candy and handed it out to his school friends. The boy, who has never been in trouble before, will not be disciplined for his actions because school officials believe he really did not know what the rocks were. His relatives, on the other hand, could face charges for narcotics and child endangerment. Meanwhile, hundreds of crackheads have been hanging around the boy's school after they heard that free drugs were being distributed. Source
Madame, Britain's "Freedom of Information" Laws Are Not to Be Used As a Tool For You to Get Laid
Angela Wright of Britain attempted to use her country's new freedom of information laws in an effort to hook up with single cops. She sent an email to her local police force, inquiring about their eligible bachelors. She also asked for the email addresses, salary and pension details for any constables that fit her criteria. While Wright insists that the request was meant primarily as a joke, she was refused the information on the basis that personal data is exempt from the laws. She did, however, manage to make herself look pathetic to the whole world. Source
Now Here's a Skill That Will Look Impressive On a Resume
Craig Crosbie of Scotland has been dubbed the world's fastest text-messager, beating the previous record holder by a full 19 seconds. The 24-year-old Crosbie has been text-messaging since he was 16 and sends about 75 messages a day. Now that he has conquered the world and achieved the prestige of being a Guinness Book record-setter, Crosbie will return to his minimum wage job working in a Scottish factory. Source
Woman Receives $16.7 Million For Being Stupid
Patricia Henley was diagnosed with lung cancer in 1998 and proceeded to sue Philip Morris, manufacturer of the Marlboro cigarettes she had been smoking for more than 30 years. Surprisingly, she won her case and was awarded $51.5 million. Philip Morris appealed, and they lost again--but this time the award was down to $10.5 million, plus $6.2 million in interest. Even barring everything we now know about the effects of cigarette smoking, how stupid do you have to be to continuously ingest smoke and not think it might possibly be bad for you? Source
Monday, March 21, 2005
Scratch and Win, My Ass
Thousands of people were duped by a promotional "Scratch n' Match" game that was included in the New York Daily News. The newspaper later announced that there was a misprint, instantly turning the winners to losers. One woman thought she won $100,000 and even booked a trip to Disney World, but had her plans dashed by the announcement the following day. The former winners are planning on finding out who is responsible for the screw-up and scratching them with a quarter until they cough up the lost prize money. Source
You Really Should Chew More Gum, Dear
A new brand of chewing gum sold in Japan claims to increase breast size by up to 80% and improve circulation, reduce stress, and fight aging. B2Up gum uses a plant species called Pueraria mirifica to achieve the spectacular results. If the B2Up Company can formulate a gum that increases penis size, experts agree that it will become the largest corporation in Asia. Source
Do You Really Need to Do a Study to Know What We Think About This?
President Bush's White House has been concerned with the high cost of gasoline, with prices now over $3 a gallon in some areas of the country. The president's top people are trying to determine how the rising prices will affect the economy and the public, with a possible but unlikely scenario of $4 per gallon prices in the future. Save your time and money, fellas... I can tell you right now that we're gonna be PISSED OFF--even more than we already are. Source
Gee, I Guess That First Accident Wasn't Just a Fluke
The city of Newark, New Jersey has finally erected concrete barriers to prevent cars from plunging into the Passaic River at a specific section of road. A total of five people have died at the location--three last November and two more early Sunday. When asked about the timeliness of the crash prevention measures, Mayor Sharpe James said, "Really, our hands are tied until at least four people die. Those barricades aren't cheap, you know." Source
