Friday, March 11, 2005
Great Way to Impress the Jury, Michael
After appearing in court yesterday a little over an hour late, Micheal Jackson narrowly avoided being arrested and forfeiting his $3 million bail. Friends of the 41-year-old singer say that he is likely suffering severe mental problems, with the stress of his trial and his recent financial difficulties. Jackson showed up in the bizarre outfit of blue pajama bottoms, a white t-shirt, black jacket, and slippers. By all accounts, the outfit was "kinda fruity." Source
Instead of Mixing Up Orders From the Same Restaurant, Now They Can Mix Up Orders From Different States
In order to squeeze every possible penny of profit from their operation, McDonald's Corp. is considering outsourcing its drivethru order-taking. The restaurant chain may start using remote call centers located in places like North Dakota, where the cost of living is lower. The next obvious step is to create call centers in depressed countries where operators are paid 5 cents an hour and their accents are so thick you have no idea what they're saying. Source
Now We Know Why He Chose Not to Appear In the First Place
When inmate Darryl R. Bartlett--jailed in Arkansas on a failure-to-appear warrant--was suffering from a cold, he asked guard Johnnie Dallas Pruett for some cold medication. What he got instead were three laxative pills that caused severe stomach pains and, of course, diarrhea. Meanwhile, Pruett taunted him all night, asking if he needed a diaper. Pruett was fired for the incident and charged with battery. Sheriff's Capt. Jamie Martin said Pruett's prank was "a shitty thing to do, even to a prisoner." Source
If a Klansman Falls In the Forest, Does He Make a Sound?
The 80-year-old Klansman accused of murdering three civil rights workers in the sixties is in the hospital today with two broken legs. Edgar Ray Killen, due in court on April 18 to face charges for the 1964 murders, was cutting down a tree when it fell on his head and "kind of drove him into the ground like a pile driver." Worst of all, the falling tree completely flattened his pointy hat. Source
Thursday, March 10, 2005
Cat Pays Back Owner For Being Neutered
A Michigan man who was cooking at his stove was shot in the lower torso by his cat. Joseph Stanton left a loaded gun on the counter (smart move) which his pet knocked off, causing the gun to discharge. The cat was released by authorities after testing negative for catnip. Source
Yeah, Like We're Supposed to Believe That the Government Lied to Us
The capture of Saddam Hussein didn't exactly go down the way the public was led to believe, states a former U. S. Marine who was at the scene. Ex-Sgt. Nadim Abou Rabeh said that Hussein was actually found in a modest home and not in a hole in the ground. He also said that there was fierce resistance, with Hussein himself firing at the 20-man military unit from the second floor of the house. It would appear that much of the war in Iraq has been the work of fiction. Source
It Turns Out That IKEA Is Swedish For "Asinine Complaints"
Norway's prime minister--who apparently has nothing better to do--claims that Swedish company IKEA is guilty of sex descrimination for depicting only male and gender-neutral figures in their instruction manuals. IKEA spokeswoman Verdens Gang responded by saying that since her company sells to Muslim countries, the use of female figures might be offensive to some customers. She also added that many Norwegian books about pregnancy show only women giving birth, "and what up with that?" Source
As Horrible As This Sounds, It's Still More Watchable Than Most Shows On American TV
A new Baghdad television show called Terror In the Grip of Justice features insurgents being interrogated about the attacks they've carried out. In a recent episode, one man claimed that he "attacked the National Guard with machine guns and killed two of them. Then we beheaded one of them." The purported confessions seem a little forced, however, and some claim that they're not real. The series, produced by the Interior Ministry of Iraq, is aired on an unpopular channel that was originally set up and funded by Americans. The insurgents are fighting back by threatening to impose "God's justice" on the employees of the station--and they've already killed an anchorwoman. Kind of brings a new meaning to "reality TV," no? Source
Wednesday, March 09, 2005
If McDonalds Food Is Ever Healthy, You Can Hang Me By My McNuggets
In an attempt to portray itself as a healthier place to eat--and reduce the mounting number of obesity lawsuits--restaurant chain McDonald's has announced a new advertising campaign that focuses on healthy living. To lighten their menu, they'll be introducing some new salads and substantially reduce the amount of trans-fatty acids in their food products. In line with the new marketing campaign, the loveable but portly character Grimace will be forced to lose at least 200 pounds and Mayor McCheese will become Mayor McCottage Cheese. Source
I'd Hate to Be the Next Patient In Line For Scanning After They Sent That Thing Through
A CT scan of King Tutankhamun's mummy confirms that the "boy king" was not murdered, as many historians believed. He did have a broken leg, however, and that may be what led to his death. The latest findings blow away the theories proposed by researchers who summised that Tut was killed by Colonel Mustard with the lead pipe in the ballroom. Source
Everyone Out! She's Gonna Blow! I Mean, Everyone In! She's Gonna Blow!
While it has been venting ash and steam since last fall, Mount St. Helens released a much larger plume of ash Tuesday evening, resulting in a fine layer of dust 125 miles to the east-northeast. Scientists do not believe that the recent emission signifies that a major eruption like the one seen in 1980 is imminent, but they will continue to monitor Helens' ash hole for any further releases of gas. Source
Home Schooling Is Starting to Sound Better and Better
A high school football coach in Oregon has been disciplined for licking a bleeding scab on the knee of one of his students. Scott Reed was giving the kids a pep talk and mentioned that another coach once licked and healed players' wounds so they could get back in the game. The team egged him on to lick the knee wound, which he did as kind of a joke. While they deemed the incident unacceptable and put Reed on probation, school officials are just thankful that none of the players were suffering from groin injuries at the time. Source
Tuesday, March 08, 2005
We Just Thought He Had Really, Really Bad B. O.
Kyujiro Kanaoka of Japan has been dead for years. But it wasn't until just recently that his three children--the youngest of them in his 70s--reached the conclusion that the father they shared a house with might not be alive after all. They started to get suspicious when Kanaoka never wanted to eat or drink, didn't speak, never used the toilet, and basically hasn't moved a damn muscle since some time in the 1990s. Source
Next Week, They're Having a "Who Can Swallow the Most Sleeping Pills?" Contest
In an effort to win the grand prize of $330, 21-year-old Ricardo Ivan Garcia drank more than 50 shots of tequila at a drinking contest in the Dominican Republic. The bad news is that injesting all that booze gave Garcia alcohol poisoning and caused heart failure, killing him within hours of being taken to the hospital. The good news is that he's now $330 richer! Source
It's Comforting to Know That the Courts In Italy Are Even More Screwed Up Than They Are Here
Carmelo Cisabella can't catch a break. More than a decade ago, he was paralyzed after being involved in a motorcycle accident. Because of his time spent in a wheelchair, he developed a lethal infection of the spine and has been given six months to live. Now Cisabella is trying to speed up the courts so he can receive an already agreed-upon settlement of $596,300, but the slow-moving Sicilian legal system won't budge. They told him to come back in 14 months to hear the outcome of his case. As what, a ghost? Source
New Study Confirms the Obvious
A new study by Wendy Slutske (giggle, giggle) of the University of Missouri at Columbia has reached the shocking conculsion that young people in college drink more than their counterparts who are not attending college. Slutske (heh, heh) also found that the non-students who did drink were more likely to be addicted to the sauce. One likely reason for non-students to drink less is because they have jobs--which is probably also why they're more likely to be alcoholics. Source
Monday, March 07, 2005
Oh, Man... the Library Won't Be Such a Cool Place to Hang Out Anymore
California's San Luis Obispo County has adopted an ordinance that allows authorities to ask their smellier patrons to leave. Also banned is fighting, eating, drinking, sleeping, playing games, and printing or viewing illegal materials on library computers. When library services manager Irene Macias posed questions about what defines bad odor (Strong perfume? Garlicky breath?), assistant director of the library Moe Green replied by saying, "Basically, anyone who smells like shit." Source
I Also Hear That Britney Spears May Replace Alan Greenspan
Bono, lead singer for the rock band U2, might just be the next president of World Bank. The "bank" is a United Nations agency, whose member countries are jointly responsible for how the institution is financed and how its money is spent. It provides assistance to developing countries in an effort to fight poverty and improve living standards. United States Treasury Secretary John Snow believes that Bono has the skills needed to replace current bank president John Wolfensohn, who will step down on June 1. If a professional wrestler can become the governor of Minnesota, I suppose that anything is possible. Source
See, Kids? That's What Happens When You Elect a Muscle Man As Governor
California governor Arnold Schwarzenegger recently said that he would be introducing legislation to ban the sale of junk food in schools in an effort to combat youth obesity. Schwarzenegger made the comment at the "Arnold Classic" bodybuilding event in Columbus, Ohio. He also presented fitness expert Jack LaLanne with a lifetime achievement award. When egged on by the audience to show that he is still in prime physical condition, Schwarzenegger bench-pressed LaLanne and then ripped him in half. Source
It Seems He Forgot to Look a Few Moves Ahead This Time
Former world chess champion Bobby Fischer got himself four days of solitary confinement in a Japanese immigration detention center after getting into it with guards when they wouldn't give him an extra boiled egg for breakfast. Fischer has been in custody in Japan since he was arrested in July for traveling with an invalid U. S. passport. He's fighting deportation to the United States, where he is wanted for playing a 1992 chess match in sanctioned Yugoslavia. Fischer's Japanese fiancee, Miyoko Watai, was also his bodyguard at one time. Perhaps the United States should reconsider whether or not they really want this guy back. Source
