Friday, January 28, 2005
I Can't Decide Whether This Is Ingenious Or Disgusting
A man who was trapped by an avalanche was able to free himself by consuming 60 bottles of beer and literally peeing his way out. Richard Kral was going on holiday, so he had several cases of beer in his car. He used his own urine to melt the snow and was later found on a mountain path. Now that he's been rescued, Kral plans to immediately start saving up for a new liver. Source
The Answer To Your Question Is "Yes"
Nicole duFresne, a 28-year-old actress and playwright, was shot and killed today during an early morning mugging in New York City's Lower East Side. Witnesses said that duFresne tried to prevent one of the muggers from taking another woman's purse and said, "What are you going to do, shoot us?" It seems that was entirely the wrong question to ask. Source
Jeez, Are You Still Pissed About the Janet Jackson Boob Thing?
For the last 19 years, a Super Bowl champion has been asked what he's going to do next and answered the famous line, "I'm going to Disney World!" Not this year. Disney has declined to advertise during the February 6 event, insisting that their decision has nothing to do with last year's mishap. No word yet as to where the champions will now be going after the big game--perhaps Knotts Berry Farm or Branson, Missouri. Source
Did You Understand the Question I Just Asked?
When asked by C-SPAN reporter Brian Lamb if he sees the ghosts of past presidents in the White House, President Bush replied, "Well, I quit drinking in '86... It's just really hard to project back into somebody else's shoes. So, no, I guess I don't see ghosts." We can only assume that Bush often saw apparitions back when he was drinking and doing coke. Source
Thursday, January 27, 2005
Let's Just Say He's Not the Most Popular Guy On Campus
A professor at the University of Colorado has been blasted for saying that the people killed in the 9/11 terrorist attacks were not innocent victims. In an essay he wrote, Ward L. Churchill claims that the attacks were in retaliation for a United States bombing raid in Iraq that killed 500,000 children. Churchill said of the World Trade Center victims, "True enough, they were civilians of a sort. But innocent? Gimme a break." It's likely that someone will do just that--probably with a baseball bat. Source
Since When Did They Start Putting TVs In School Buses?
A bus driver in Greece got himself into trouble when he showed a pornographic video to schoolchildren aged 12 to 15. While the parents are outraged, the children maintain that he is the best damn bus driver there ever was. Source
Could I Get a Second Opinion, Please?
A man declared dead after an automobile accident in North Carolina was found to be breathing two hours later. Larry Green was initially taken to the morgue, but was transferred to Duke University Medical Center after a medical examiner studied his body and noticed he was still alive. While Green is still listed as being in critical condition, at least he's better off than he was yesterday. Source
I Guess Paul McCartney Had Better Things To Do
Comic book creator Stan Lee has tapped an unlikely source for his next animated superhero: ex-Beatle Ringo Starr. Starr said he is "so excited to become a 'reluctant superhero'." Imagine how reluctant viewers will be to see the 64-year-old drummer dressed in spandex tights. Source
Wednesday, January 26, 2005
Why Is It That Zero Tolerance Often Means Zero Intelligence?
Two special education students (aged 9 and 10 years old) in Florida were arrested Monday and charged with making a written threat to kill or harm another person, a felony act. The boys were led out of their school in handcuffs and suspended after drawing stick-figure pictures of them doing harm to another boy. No word yet as to whether the crayons the boys used to draw the pictures will be considered deadly weapons. Source
They Should Have Given Them the Death Penalty
Internet service provider Earthlink has won its lawsuit against Damon DeCrescenzo and David Burstyn, a.k.a. the "Alabama Spammers," accused of sending massive amounts of spam e-mail. The court ordered that the defendants are forbidden to send any more unsolicited e-mail and are required to pay Earthlink an undisclosed amount. Meanwhile, the true victims--Internet users--continue to get a hundred unwanted e-mails a day for Viagra and fake Rolex watches. Source
17 People With Explosive Diarrhea Are Trapped On an Airplane... Hilarity Ensues
Travelers coming to Canada from the Dominican Republic were detained for hours when several of the passengers complained of illness. Authorities feared it might be a highly infectious form of dysentery, but the diagnosis was later determined to be a case of "bad traveller's diarrhea." And you thought your last flight sucked. Source
You Want To Keep Working Here? Then Drop the Doughnut, Fatty
Howard Weyers, the founder and sole owner of Weyco Inc., a Michigan-based insurance claims office, made news recently when he banned the use of tobacco by his employees, regardless of whether they are at work or at home. Four people were forced to quit after refusing to take a mandatory urine test. Now the 71-year-old Weyers is targeting his overweight employees in an attempt to keep all of his people fit and healthy--and lower their health insurance premiums at the same time. Weyers is hoping to develop a master race of slim, non-smoking insurance claims adjusters who will one day rule the world. Source
Tuesday, January 25, 2005
Nice Gesture, But It Doesn't Make Up For Years of Buggy Operating Systems
Bill Gates has ponied up a $750 million donation to Global Alliance for Vaccines and Immunisation, an alliance dedicated to providing vaccines to children in poverty-stricken countries. Gates reportedly found the $750 million between the cushions of his couch while searching for the remote control, and decided to put it to good use. Source
What a Disappointment... Their Commentary Is Usually So Deep and Meaningful
New York-based HOT 97 FM has found itself in hot water after airing a parody song about the Asian tsunami disaster on its "Miss Jones In the Morning" show. The radio station realized the show was in bad taste and issued an apology to its listeners. An apology for broadcasting hip-hop music is still forthcoming. Source
That Google Just Wants to Index Every Damn Thing
Search engine giant Google Inc. has recently launched a new service that allows users to search video closed captioning content to view still photo frames and a transcript excerpt from where the search phrase was spoken. The new search feature does not reference pornographic movies, completely negating its usefulness. Source
Wouldn't It Be More Cost-Feasible to Just Buy the Country Outright?
President Bush has asked Congress to approve $80 billion this year to continue military operations in Iraq. The request is expected to be approved, bringing the cost of the war to $400 billion--or more than $1 billion a week--and the federal deficit to $427 billion. After electing Bush for a second time, we deserve everything we get. Source
Monday, January 24, 2005
No Wonder This Blog Sucks Today
A British psychologist has calculated that today, January 24, is the "most depressing day of the year." Using a formula that considers factors such as weather, debt, salary, and low motivation levels, Dr. Cliff Arnall has concluded that this is indeed the crappiest day. In related news, it's my sister's birthday today. Happy birthday, Sis! Source
What Does This Say About Our Society?
The independent film Inside Deep Throat recently premiered at the Sundance Film Festival in Park City, Utah. The flick focuses on the history of the pornography business in America and features a look at the all-time highest grossing indie movie ever made, Deep Throat, which is estimated to have brought in upwards of $600 million. Put into perspective, that's about 100 times more than the movie Krush Groove took in. It's a sick world. Source
Around the World, My Ass
Passengers of the luxury liner Aurora paid up to $122,468 for a 103-day world cruise, but the ship experienced technical problems and had to return to port after sailing only 175 kilometers. This came after a ten-day delay and two false starts. The cruise line is refunding everyone's money, but 1,400 people have had their vacations ruined. Since these people had that kind of money to blow on a cruise, are we really expected to feel sorry for them? Source
Wow... Is There Really That Much Babysitting Money Being Passed Around?
Apple's iTunes music store recently passed the 250 million mark in number of songs sold, and is now doing a brisk business selling 1.25 million songs each day. This is great news for Apple, since CEO Steve Jobs can finally afford to buy himself a new personality. Source
