Friday, February 25, 2005
Can We Shoot Down That Missile Heading For Ottawa? Pretty Please?
In a surprise move, Canada has decided not to participate in the United States' missile defense plan, where rogue missiles will be shot down using other missiles (anyone remember Spies Like Us?). Prime Minister Paul Martin added that the U. S. should get permission from Canada before it fires any missiles into their airspace. Martin explained his decision to pull out of the program was because he believed an attack on Canada was very unlikely since "only a handful of people even know we exist." Source
It's All Part of Their Evil Plan to Produce a Generation of Fatter, Lazier Americans
Sony's popular Everquest II, an online fantasy game that claims to have 300,000 active players, now features a way to order real-life pizza. Simply type in "/pizza" at the game's command prompt and you'll be directed to the Pizza Hut Web site. The addition is Sony's response to an outcry by Everquest players who have complained that the 30 seconds it takes to actually pick up a phone and order pizza is affecting their game play. Source
Next Time, Try It In the Summer
An American who wanted to see his Internet girlfriend in Winnipeg, Manitoba ended up with a severe case of frostbite that may cost him a few fingers. Charles Gonsoulin couldn't enter Canada the usual way--by car, plane, or bus--because he is a convicted criminal. Instead, he decided to walk across the border from North Dakota. Gonsoulin got lost in the snow and was eventually rescued by RCMP officers. Ironically, Gonsoulin met the Winnipeg woman in an Internet chat room for depressed people. How much more depressing could this incident be? Source
Some People Will Bet On Anything
If Pope John Paul II recovers from his recent surgery, all bets are off--literally. Irish bookmaker Paddy Power has begun running odds on who will be the pontiff's successor, putting Cardinal Dionigi Tettamanzi the favorite at 5-2. The longshot is Archbishop Wilfried Napier of South African, at 33-1. It's a sick world, no? Source
Thursday, February 24, 2005
Next Thing You Know, They'll Be Installing Rubber Detectors At School Entrances
A seventh-grade student in Florida is facing expulsion after brandishing what school officials deem a "weapon"--a rubber band. Robert Gomez found the rubber band and slipped it on his wrist. When his teacher asked him to hand it over, Gomez tossed it on her desk. That terrorizing incident earned the boy a ten-day suspension for "threatening his teacher." School officials say that Gomez is fortunate the object wasn't a paper clip or he might have received the death sentence. Source
Ya Gotta Love Those Kooky Germans
When President Bush visited the city of Mainz in Germany yesterday, the locals didn't exactly welcome him with open arms. Some 12,000 protestors--or 4% of Mainz's population--marched through the city. One man held a poster that read, "We had our Hitler, now you have yours." Since the protestors were by and large kept away from the president, Bush continues to remain blissfully unaware of how much the world dislikes him. Source
Well, At Least He Didn't Think It Was Preparation H
An 81-year-old monk in Thailand accidentally glued his eyes shut when he mistook a tube of superglue for eyedrops. Doctors were able to partially restore the monk's sight by using a chemical solvent to dissolve the glue. The monk, whose name is Phra Khru Prapatworakhun, released a statement and said, "Holy crap, do I feel like an ass." Source
That Place Is a Disaster Area For So Many Reasons
The mayor of Los Angeles has asked the federal government to declare his city a disaster area. The request has less to do with the recent storms, mudslides and flooding that have plagued the city and more to do with the fact that L. A. is the home of people like Pauly Shore and Jimmy Kimmel. Source
Wednesday, February 23, 2005
Talk About Your Blasts From the Past...
A cosmic blast some 50,000 light-years away from Earth finally reached us in December. The explosion was so powerful it briefly altered our planet's upper atmosphere. Scientists say that this is the biggest flash since Sharon Stone showed her hooch in Basic Instinct. Source
Man, That Is a LOT of Poop!
A manure pile that has been burning for almost four months in Nebraska has finally been extinguished. The mound of crap was the byproduct of a giant feedlot nearby that can handle as many as 12,000 cows at any given time. Local tourism officials are disappointed that the fire is now out because the giant pile of cow shit was the most interesting thing to see in Nebraska. Source
This Could Only Happen In Uganda
Two constables in Uganda were commended on Tuesday for refusing bribes and fighting off robbers--in short, for doing their job. Corruption is so rampant among the low-paid police force that anyone who is not corrupt gets singled out. Ironically, the incident happened while the constables were guarding a store that sells exam papers to secondary students. Apparently, the local school system is corrupt as well. Source
Get Ready For the Senior Citizen Stoners
New studies indicate that smoking marijuana may help ease the effects of Alzheimer's disease and possibly even slow its progression. Tests with laboratory rats suggest that the cannabinoids found in marijuana actually help improve mental function. However, there are a number of inconsistencies with these findings. For example, if pot makes your mind clearer then how do you explain Tommy Chong? Source
Tuesday, February 22, 2005
Cutting It Off Was Bad Enough, But Did You Have to Flush It Down the Toilet?
An Anchorage man is recuperating after having his severed penis reattached. The separation of man and penis was handled by 35-year-old Kim Tran, who did the job with a kitchen knife while the man's arms were tied to a window handle. Tran then flushed the Johnson down the toilet, where it was later retrieved by a city worker. It seems that the incident occurred because the man wanted to break up with Tran. Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned... Source
If You're In Alabama and You Want to Buy a French Tickler, It Looks Like You're Out of Luck
The Supreme Court refused to rule against legislature in Alabama that bans the sale and distribution of sex toys. The law was created in 1998 with the reasoning that the use of sexual devices leads to more serious illegal activities, like prostitution. If you've ever seen an Alabama hooker, you'll know why that makes perfect sense. Source
Perhaps "Certainly Stupid" Would Have Been a Better Fit
At an auction in Hong Kong, a man wearing a surgical mask and refusing to reveal his identity paid $910,000 US for a license plate. The Cantonese vanity plate translates to "certainly easy." Witnesses report that the masked man also purchased a "honk if you're horny" bumper sticker for $80,000. Source
Now Here's an Item That Should Sell Like Hotcakes On eBay
Some urinals in schools, youth clubs, and pubs in Belgium are now adorned with a sticker featuring a caricature of President George W. Bush saying, "Go ahead... piss on me!!" The stickers are the handiwork of Laurent Winnock, president of Belgium's Young Socialists group. No word yet as to if or when the novelty items will be available in the United States, but millions of democrats are patiently waiting. Source
Monday, February 21, 2005
Geez, Bob, I Was Just Goofin' Around
A Cook County correctional officer with a penchant for practical jokes took things a little too far when he decided to feign a carjacking on a colleague's car. It turns out that Arlin McClendon Jr.'s colleague (we'll call him "Mr. X" since his name has not been disclosed) was actually in the car in front of the bogusly-carjacked vehicle, and Mr. X's wife and child were the unintended "victims" of the carjacking. Seeing what was going down, Mr. X got out of his car and promptly put several bullets into McClendon, unaware that it was all just a goof. Let that be a lesson to all of you: joy buzzers and squirting flowers are still okay, but performing mock felonies is a wee bit over the line. Source
If It Keeps Her From Putting Out More Albums, I'm All For It
Britney Spears is thinking about giving up "music" to pursue a career as... wait for it... a forensic scientist. Inspired by the TV series CSI: Crime Scene Investigation, Spears is seriously considering going to university so she can get the credentials required to become a high-tech crimesolver. If it comes to pass, this would undoubtedly be the oddest celebrity-to-regular person transformation since David Lee Roth became a paramedic in New York City. Source
No Good Can Come of This
The United States border in Arizona will now be patrolled by a group of volunteers enrolled in the "Minuteman Project." While a steady influx of illegal immigrants from Mexico has always been a problem, plans to send hundreds of untrained (and sometimes armed) men on 24-hour desert patrols may not be the brightest idea. Goverment officials are expected to begin warning Americans to "stay the hell away from the Mexican border if you know what's good for you." Source
And We All Thought That Smithers Was the Gay One
After several months of teasing viewers with the question of which character is gay, a recently-aired episode of Fox's The Simpsons revealed that Homer's sister-in-law Patty is the closet homosexual. In the show titled There's Something About Marrying, Homer becomes an Internet minister for same-sex marriages and presides over a ceremony to unite Patty and professional golfer Veronica--who turns out to be a man after all. In related news, Fox's The Simpsons has officially jumped the shark. Source
