Friday, January 21, 2005
If Coffee Is a Deadly Weapon, Does That Make Starbucks An Arms Dealer?
When meter maid Christi Noviello put a $55 ticket on the windshield of Francois Youhanna's illegally-parked Hummer, it so enraged the man that he threw his scalding hot Starbucks coffee at her. Noviello was treated for first- and second-degree burns to her face, and Youhanna was arrested for assault and battery. Doctors say the attack would have been less severe had the coffee been a Grande and not the much larger Venti size. Source
How About French Ticklers? Are They Okay?
After pressure from the Vatican, the Spanish Catholic Church has reversed its position on the use of condoms. The bad news is that Catholics still cannot use condoms to prevent the spread of the HIV virus. The goods news is that sexual abuse by Catholic priests is still permitted. Source
Those Handshakes Ain't Free, Buddy
A man who had the sheer audacity of trying to get a handshake from President Bush at the inauguration on Thursday has been arrested. The same man successfully eluded security four years ago at Bush's first inauguration ceremony and was nabbed by Capitol Police before he could get to the president again. Bush instituted his infamous "No Handshakes For the Poor and Middle-Class" policy shortly after being elected in 2000. Source
Jeez, Haven't You Ever Heard of Ridilin?
A mother in Kansas City has been charged with giving crack cocaine to her 4-year-old son to "calm him down." Michelle Shelton claims that she found drug paraphernalia in her home after parties that her son attended. Police are skeptical, however, since most children usually don't attend crack parties until they are at least 10 years old. Source
Thursday, January 20, 2005
One Ticket to Rio de Janeiro, Please
The country of Brazil is handing out 11 million free condoms in an effort to prevent the spread of AIDS during Carnival celebrations in early February. Apparently, quite a bit of casual sex occurs during the festival, which features samba music and partially nude dancers. In related news, this blog is now accepting donations for airfare to Brazil. Source
If It Hadn't Been a Caesarean, We'd Really Be Impressed
A woman in Brazil has given birth to a baby boy weighing 16.7 pounds--nine pounds heavier than the average weight for newborns, and already what a typical six-month-old baby weighs. It's unknown whether the boy will be outcast because he's twice the size of the other kids or because his parents named him Ademilton. Source
No, No... You're Thinking of SpongeBob LeatherPants
The conservative Christian groups have a new target: SpongeBob SquarePants. The group Focus On the Family claims that the Nickelodeon cartoon promotes homosexuality, pointing out absurd "clues" such as the fact that SpongeBob holds hands with his friend Patrick, and that he likes to watch a television show called The Adventures of Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy. Hey, wait a minute... that dude IS gay! Source
Remember the Old Days When It Was the Victims Who Won Lawsuits?
Jeremy Morse, a Los Angeles police officer who lost his job after punching black 16-year-old Donovan Jackson in Inglewood, has been awarded $1.6 million in a race discrimination case. Morse sued the Los Angeles Police Department because his partner, a black officer named Willie Crook, also hit the suspect but received only four days' suspension. Morse claims that he hit the boy and slammed him against a car because Jackson grabbed his testicles. Ironically, a testicle squeeze costs $50 in nearby West Hollywood. Source
Wednesday, January 19, 2005
Well, Duh
A study recently published in the American Journal of Geriatric Psychiatry stated that many senior citizens are "at-risk" gamblers, often betting large amounts of money or more than they can afford to lose. While the article was the result of a survey of 843 elderly people, anyone who has been in a casino the day after Social Security checks are mailed would have come to the same conclusion. Source
Oh My God, Cindy! Did He Just Say the F Word?
Brett Scallions, lead singer of the rock band Fuel, apologized to the crowd after using profane language during a youth concert for the presidential inauguration. The concert--which featured Hilary Duff as the headliner--had hundreds of pre-teens in the audience. Scallions said he was sorry for his language, but not as sorry as he is for playing in a concert that features Hilary Duff. Source
The Wigs Alone Could Cost Millions
Billionaire Donald Trump is planning to produce a Broadway musical based on his popular TV show, The Apprentice. The suggested plot for the show serves more as a self-styled Trump biography rather than a stage translation of the NBC series. Other unlikely products planned by the real estate tycoon include Trump Brand Frozen Fish Sticks and George & Carolyn's Home Enema Kit. Source
That's Sick. When Will It Be Out On DVD?
Officials at the Golden Gate Bridge are furious after being duped by a filmmaker. Eric Steel was granted permission to set up cameras on parkland overlooking the bridge, presumably for a "day in the life" project. In reality, Steel was more interested in filming people who chose to commit suicide by jumping off the famous landmark. And he succeeded--his cameras filmed most of the 19 successful suicide jumps in 2004. Steel says his movie is "about the human spirit in crisis. It is a movie about people." Specifically, people who jump off of bridges. Source
Tuesday, January 18, 2005
At Least It's Better Than Another Rocky Movie
Talks are on for Rambo IV, starring Sylvester Stallone. The 58-year-old actor said, "We're in the kitchen and we're cooking"--whatever that means. The new movie is set to take place at a retirement home, where Rambo is "pushed over the edge" by an 80-year-old man who refuses to relinquish the television remote control. Source
UN Predicts Disaster, No One Listens
In the wake of the Tsunami disaster, the United Nations is now saying that many of the world's megacities--including Tokyo, Mexico City, and Bombay--are at risk for a major natural disaster. An earthquake in a heavily populated area could prove to be a hundred times worse than the effects of last month's tsunami. Experts say that Tokyo, with a population of 35 million people, is especially vulnerable because earthquakes are common to the area and it also is in danger of being attacked by giant lizards. Source
You Mean This Isn't Tax-Free?
Richard Hatch, the homosexual nudist who took the first prize of $1 million in the first Survivor reality show, has been charged with filing a false tax return. The IRS claims that Hatch failed to include his million dollar prize on his 2000 tax form and omitted $321,000 of income on his 2001 form as well. Hatch faces up to ten years in prison and a $250,000 fine. Easy come, easy go. Source
Death Row Inmate Awaits Call From Muscle Man
California governor Arnold Schwarzenegger is faced with a difficult issue today: should he grant clemency to a man sentenced to die at midnight? The pending execution of Donald Beardslee is the first that Schwarzenegger has had to deal with since being elected governor in 2003. If he does decide to proceed with the execution, it's "Hasta la vista, Beardslee." Source
Monday, January 17, 2005
Let Me Know When It Gets Down to $24.95
Sony has introduced a new product that gives any existing television a sharper and clearer picture. Dubbed "The Creation Box," the $4,800 device can also be used to zoom in on a selected area of the screen. Sony Executive Vice President Tetsujiro Kondo said, "This product can coexist with--and adds value to--existing audio-video equipment." To be more precise, it adds about $4,800 in value. Source
Shouldn't She Be Dead Right Now?
Kate Stelnick, a 100-pound female college student from New Jersey, took up the challenge presented by Denny's Beer Barrel Pub and consumed an entire six-pound hamburger called "Ye Old 96er." The giant burger came with another five pounds of toppings--including a cup of mayonnaise and more than a pound of cheese--and took just under three hours to consume. The meal amounted to an amazing 11% of Stelnick's total body weight. In other news, a college student from New Jersey has set the record for length of time sitting on the toilet. Source
Honkey Gets His Ass Fired
A television weatherman in Las Vegas lost his job after making a Freudian slip. Rob Blair was reporting the weather for Martin Luther King Jr. Day and accidentally called it "Martin Luther Coon King Jr. Day." That's the bad news. The good news is that the temperature in Vegas will be in the mid-60s that day. Source
Grandma's Got a Bun In the Oven
A 66-year-old Romanian woman gave birth to daughter on Sunday, setting a new world record. The healthy baby was born six weeks prematurely by caesarian section but was the only survivor from a set of triplets. The mother, Adriana Iliescu, became pregnant with the help of donor eggs and sperm and may have received hormone-replacement therapy. Some quick math shows that when her daughter turns 18, Adriana will be in her mid-eighties. Meanwhile, the average lifespan of a Romanian woman is only 73. Source
