Friday, February 11, 2005
Well, Did I Pass the Exam Or Not?
Patricia Erwin, a driver's education teacher in Georgia, was actually run over by one of her students. The driver first collided with another car, then backed up and ran over 64-year-old Erwin. The teacher, who was pinned under the car for 15 minutes, is currently in stable condition but had to undergo surgery for multiple broken bones. Witnesses say the event was quite a tragedy because the driver at fault "totally nailed the parallel parking test." Source
Hey, Let's Kill Ourselves On Valentine's Day! :-)
An Oregon man was arrested for attempting to set up a mass suicide via an Internet chat room. Gerald Krein was able to convince up to 32 women to join him in a Valentine's Day suicide pact, including one woman who talked about killing her two children before taking her own life. Amazing... this guy can get 32 women to kill themselves, and I can't even get one woman to give me her phone number. Source
What Is the Deal With the British and Their Testicles?
Another man in Britain is without his complete set of testicles today after one was ripped off by his ex-lover. The woman, furious because she was denied sex, grabbed the man's left testy and tore it off. She then attempted to hide the evidence in her mouth before a friend of hers returned the ball to its rightful owner. In related news, I am cancelling my trip to London planned for later this year. Source
This Sounds Just Like a Porno Movie, Only With Penguins
A group of penguins in a German zoo seem to have homosexual tendencies, with the male birds trying to mate with other males. Zoo officials think their behavior may simply be because of a total lack of females (good guess), so they're bringing in some Swedish penguins in an attempt to "un-gay" them. The plan has homosexual groups outraged, because they feel the penguins should make their own choices about their sexuality. Note to self: Cancel trip to Germany, too. On second thought, avoid Europe altogether. Source
Thursday, February 10, 2005
Why Is Our President Spending Money Like a Drunken Sailor?
President Bush has pledged another $600 million in financial aid for the Asian tsunami disaster, bringing the total amount pledged by the United States to $950 million. He also said he would ask Congress for $100 million to update the armed forces in Poland. Apparently, Bush visited the U. S. Mint and saw how money is printed, so he figures that we can just make more and it won't cost us very much. Source
This Is What Happens When You Offer Brits a Sofa For 45 Quid
The grand opening of the Ikea store in north London turned ugly when bargain shoppers started a riot. The store advertised deeply discounted items for those who came to the store between midnight and 3am. Some 7,000 people showed up, and things just went nuts when the Ikea opened its doors. Five people were hospitalized and hundreds were crushed, causing management to close the store only 30 minutes later. This just goes to prove my theory: people in north London are cheap and crazy. Source
Well, I Guess We'll Be Moving to Vancouver Soon
A national study in Canada begins today with the opening of a heroin clinic in Vancouver. For a trial period of one year, the government will hand out free pharmaceutical-grade heroin or methadone. A similar trial in Switzerland resulted in few people giving up the drug, but did have a positive effect on crime and job rates among addicts. However, it's unclear how many employers would want to hire heroin junkies, even if the Canadian government is their supplier. Source
So If Someone Breaks Up With You and You Die, Is It a Homicide?
A recently published study in the New England Journal of Medicine indicates that "broken hearts" may be for real. Some doctors now believe that emotionally stressful situations may cause the symptoms of heart failure in some people. So guys, keep that in mind the next time you want to break up with that skank you've been going out with. Source
Wednesday, February 09, 2005
The Next Thing You Know, It Will Be Illegal to Show Your Wee-Wee In Public
A bill is making its way through the legislature that would impose a $50 penalty on anyone intentionally exposing their underwear in public. The proposed law is aimed primarily at urban youth and the low-riding baggy-pants style that is now in fashion. The bill, which already passed in the House and will go to the Senate next, makes the Republican party look like the symbolic equivalent of a crotchety old man muttering to himself and yelling at all of the neighborhood children to "pull up your goddamn pants, you little bastards." Source
Are You Sure That List Is For 2004 and Not 1984?
Rolling Stone magazine recently reported that the number one moneymaker in pop music last year was none other than The Artist Formerly Known As Prince, who took in $56.5 million. Next was Madonna ($54.9 million), Metallica ($43 million), Sir Elton John ($42.9 million), and Jimmy Buffet ($36.5 million). Apparently, the world has an affinity for aging pop stars. Source
Next to Go: All of Those Costly Padded Seats
American Airlines recently announced that pillows will no longer be available on most of its domestic flights. Blankets will still be offered, however. The airline is also considering other cost-cutting methods, such as eliminating airplane restrooms in order to make room for more paying passengers. Source
California Law Has Always Been a Little Goofy
Charley Charles (born Charles Rothenberg), the man who set his six-year-old son on fire in 1983, is in trouble again for illegally possessing a handgun. Charles served 6 1/2 years of a 13-year prison sentence for his earlier crime, and now faces life imprisonment on the possession charge due to California's "three strikes you're out" law. Six and a half years for attempted murder and life for illegal handgun possession... shouldn't it be the other way around? Source
Tuesday, February 08, 2005
I Hate to Say It, But We Deserve Everything We Get (Or Don't Get)
President Bush's new $2.75 trillion budget is bad news for America, with many federal programs being slashed or eliminated entirely. Medicaid, disabled housing, Amtrak, student loans, and veterans' medical services are all likely to be slashed if Congress approves the budget. About the only thing that will get additional funding is the Pentagon, with a proposed 4.8 percent increase to $419.3 billion--and that's not including the cost of the war in Iraq. On the bright side, now we know what it's like to go to hell in a handbasket. Source
Now Here Is Someone Who Knows How to Keep a Promise
A Welsh man drinking at a club told his bar buddies that if Wales won a rugby match against England, "I'll cut my own balls off." When Wales finished the game two points ahead, the man went outside and promptly severed his own testicles. He then brought them back into the club to show that he did indeed carry out the deed. He sure did have a lot of balls to cut off his... no, wait... scratch that. Source
Obviously, This Guy Wants to Go Straight to Hell
Scam artists may be the lowest form of life, but what do you call someone who scams churches? Abraham Kennard stole $9 million from some 1,600 small churches by promising them substantial returns for minor investments. Kennard would give money obtained from new investors as a return for earlier investors--a typical Ponzi scheme. Acting as his own defense, Kennard said in his opening remarks, "It's not a law against riding in a Cadillac if you don't want to ride in a Volkswagen." It's also not against the law to send someone to jail when he would rather stay on the outside and drive his Cadillac. Source
New LAPD Policy: Shoot First, Ask Questions Later
The newest victim of the Los Angeles Police Department is 13-year-old Devin Brown, who was shot dead after stealing a car and leading police on a 3.5-mile chase. Brown's 14-year-old accomplice fared better, merely getting arrested after attempting to flee the scene. Police say they suspected Brown was a gang member, when he was in reality a student at a school for gifted children. It appears that some LAPD officers are not quite so gifted. Source
Monday, February 07, 2005
Gee, I Never Knew That Kite Flying Was So Dangerous
A recent kite flying festival in Pakistan turned deadly when at least 19 people were killed and more than 500 were injured. Among the dead are a four-year-old girl who had her throat slit by an errant kite string and two teenage boys who were hit by stray bullets. This year's death toll is par for the course, since at least 20 people died at last year's event. The festival gives a whole new meaning to the phrase "go fly a kite." Source
Poor Kid... He Just Wanted to Avoid the Late Fees
A four-year-old Michigan boy drove his mother's car to a video store in the middle of the night. Finding the store closed, he returned home. A policeman began following him, thinking it was a runaway car left running at a gas pump. The boy turned into his apartment complex and struck two parked cars, then shifted into reverse and hit the police cruiser. While no charges have been filed, the boy's license has been suspended until he's 15 years old. Source
You Do Know That He'll Be Gone In Four Years, Right?
Some of those who pledged that they would leave the United States and move to Canada if Bush was re-elected are making good on their promise. It's estimated that about 18,000 people will be making the move north--that's three or four times higher than in previous years. While the number of immigrants represents only .000072 percent of the U.S. population, it must be quite a feather in Dubya's cap to have so many people despise him enough to give up their American citizenship. Source
I Guess Using It to Advance Medical Technology Would Be Foolish
IBM has recently announced that they are working on a new microprocessor that will blow away anything being planned by rivals Intel and AMD. Dubbed "Cell," the new four-core processor is poised to revolutionize the computer industry. In development since 2001, the powerful chip will initially be utilized in places where it can do the most good for mankind; that is, in high-definition televisions and the Sony Playstation 3 game console. Source
