Friday, February 04, 2005
Oh, Is That What That White Stuff Is?
In an interview with Geraldo Rivera two weeks ago, Michael Jackson said that he is able to cope with the allegations made against him because he has "rhinoceros skin." Jackson also said that "the truth will prevail." So if the jury finds him guilty, does that mean he just admitted to the crime? Source
Bring Me a Bag of Heroin... Oh, and Some Twinkies, Too
When her 16-year-old son called and ordered her to buy him drugs or he would commit suicide, Sheila Black followed his instructions and obtained ten bags of heroin. She was supposed to deliver the dope to her son at school, but had second thoughts and refused to hand it over. Black was later arrested on drug possession charges and now faces up to 20 years in prison. Meanwhile, her strung-out junkie son is getting away scot-free. Source
If History Is Any Judge, the Discs Will Start Out At $100 Each and Drop to 10 Cents In Five Years
A consortium of companies that include Fuji Photo and CMC Magnetics are working on a new breed of storage medium, dubbed the Holographic Versatile Disc (HVD). The new optical discs will store up to 1 terabyte, or as much data as 200 standard DVDs. Put into perspective, that's enough to store your entire Internet porn collection and still have room left over for your Barry Manilow MP3s. Source
Come On, She Was Just Being Truthful
Middletown, Ohio city tax superintendent Linda Stubbs is in hot water for sending out tax forms that contained a few of her humorous remarks. One line read, "If we can tax it, we will" while another said, "Free advice: if you don't have a profit in a five-year period, you might want to consider another line of work." Stubbs obviously forgot one important truth: no matter what you put on a tax form, it ain't gonna be funny. Source
Thursday, February 03, 2005
Now That's One Way of Getting Drunk I Haven't Tried Before
A Texas woman has been indicted on homicide for giving her alcoholic spouse a "killer enema." Tammy Warner gave her husband Michael an enema using sherry, causing his blood-alcohol level to rise to an amazing .47 percent. Authorities are horrified because the enema was administered in the morning, and everyone knows that sherry is usually considered to be a drink for in-between meals. Source
Get Over Yourself, Dude
Minnesota teenager Nathan Carlson put himself up for sale on eBay as a prom date. The auction, which started out at $30, had generated a high bid of $260 before eBay pulled it. Carlson added a comment that he would donate half the money to charity if bidding reached $1,500, a violation of eBay's policies on charity auctions. If Carlson chooses to run another sale where people bid on the opportunity to smack the hell out of him, experts agree it could be the highest-grossing auction seen on eBay thus far. Source
He's a Known PCP User? What a Surprise
When marginally famous R&B singer Houston tried to jump out of a hotel window in London, he was moved to a lower floor and locked inside his room. Not to be denied, Houston proceeded to gouge out his own eye. A close friend said that the singer "was telling people he was Jesus and wanted to go home to his Father." Houston is now back in Los Angeles; presumably, God lives in California. Source
This Must Be the Lamest Town In the World
A huge brawl broke out during a girls high school basketball game in Prattville, Alabama on Tuesday night. Police had no alternative but to fire Tasers at some of the perpetrators in order to subdue them. One of those involved was later heard saying, "Jesus Christ, I was fighting over girl's basketball... I gotta get a life." Source
Wednesday, February 02, 2005
Oddly, Their Attempts To Get Off the Island Were Always Screwed Up By the Tall Dorky One
Rescuers recently saved nine more survivors of the Asian tsunami disaster. Five men, two women, and two children were found on a remote island off the coast of India. While their ordeal lasted only 38 days, in that time the group was able to construct a bicycle-powered shower and a crude automobile made entirely out of bamboo and coconuts. Source
Your Potato Croquetas With Saffron Tasted Terrible! You're Fired
Reality TV pioneer Mark Burnett has announced that Martha Stewart will star in The Apprentice: Martha Stewart, a spin-off of Donald Trump's wildly popular NBC show. A 27-city casting tour begins this week, and potential candidates will now be asked which asshole they'd like to work for, Trump or Stewart. Source
Why Do I Have the Feeling That Thing Will Show Up On eBay?
A New York family got an interesting package the other day: the severed leg of a man they never met before. The amputated appendage was mistakenly thought to be part of recently-deceased Paul Runyon and was delivered to his relatives. In reality the leg belonged to Jim Jordan, who died in the same hospital as Runyon. While the morgue mix-up can almost be understood, why the hospital is mailing out amputated body parts is anybody's guess. Source
There Are Some Things You Just Don't Talk About
Ex-baseball player Yogi Berra is suing Turner Broadcasting System for $10 million after billboards for the show Sex and the City suggested that a "yogasm" meant having sex with Berra. In related news, I will also be filing a $50 million lawsuit against TBS for causing me to imagine Yogi Berra having sex. Source
Tuesday, February 01, 2005
Maybe Snow Sports Really Aren't Her Thing
A woman who had been paralyzed in a snowmobiling accident got her "mono-ski" stuck in a chair lift in Aspen and couldn't get back into the seat. Kimberly Joines held on for ten minutes, but let go about 100 yards from the end of the lift. She fell 35 feet and suffered some bumps and bruises. Luckily, she was already paralyzed so the damage was minimal. Source
Talk About Your Eerie Coincidences...
In a strange twist of fate, the name of the mother who claims Michael Jackson sexually abused her son is... Janet Jackson! Born Janet Arvizo, she married Jay Jackson in Vegas and took his last name. It's unclear at this point whether or not Arvizo-Jackson has brothers named Jermaine or Tito. Source
I Knew That Modelling Paid Well, But This Is Ridiculous
A male model has been awarded $15.6 million in a lawsuit against Nestle USA. Russell Christoff posed for a two-hour photo shoot in 1986 and his likeness was later chosen to grace Nestle's Taster's Choice coffee jars. The only problem is that Christoff was never told--and never compensated. He promptly sued Nestle and was awarded the princely sum by a jury. Christoff is now a kindergarden teacher, but it's not known why he left a career that pays $7.8 million an hour. Source
Yeah, Big Deal. We're Still Gonna Use Google, You Know
Amid much hoopla, Microsoft has launched its new MSN Internet search engine. The latest move by the software giant is an obvious attempt to compete with the reigning king of search engines, Google. It's unlikely that Microsoft will win this fight, because its new engine has one subtle flaw: every search result comes back as a link to www.microsoft.com. Source
Monday, January 31, 2005
A Little Girl, a Bunny, and Two Lesbian Farmers. What's Wrong With That?
Education Secretary Margaret Spellings was recently sworn in, and one of her first targets may be the PBS show Postcards From Buster. Spellings is concerned about one particular episode where the animated rabbit Buster visits a real-life little girl who lives on a farm with her two lesbian mommies. Spellings' concern is the result of a simple misunderstanding, because she was told that a certain scene featured the lesbians "plowing the fields." Source
Take My Word For It, Jeff... Don't Bend Over For the Soap
The tubby teenager responsible for the "Blaster" worm that infected more than 50,000 computers in 2003 has been sentenced to 18 months in prison. Jeffrey Parson got the shortest prison term possible after showing great remorse for his actions, the finger being pointed at his parents for neglecting him. While Parsons has been described as a shy and lonely 19-year-old, it's likely he'll make plenty of new friends in prison. Source
I Hear That Next Year the Award Is Going to That Goofy-Looking Kid From Harry Potter
Leonardo DiCaprio was awarded a Lifetime Achievement Award from the Santa Barbara International Film Festival on Sunday night. DiCaprio, who was recently nominated for an Oscar for his work in The Aviator, is only 30 years old but has played everything from a retard to a billionaire in his 17-year career. Apparently, everyone else deserving of the award is already dead. Source
Gee, I Wonder Where All That Extra Money Came From?
The fourth quarter of 2004 was the best one ever for Exxon Mobil Corp. The oil giant's revenues grew 26% with $8.42 billion in net income for the quarter, surpassing estimates by industry experts. Could it be that corporate greed is why we're paying $2.00 a gallon at the pumps? Source
