Monday, May 16, 2005



Regurgitated News has a new home at!

I made this move because I wanted to have a little more control over the look of the site, and I think you'll really like it. The bad news is that features like comments and RSS feeds will not be available for a while since I basically have to code them by hand since I built the new site from scratch.

This is the last post I'll be making for Regurgitated News here at Blogger, so please come visit me at (and dare I say, bookmark) the new site!



Thursday, March 31, 2005


Man Starves Woman to Death, Gets Off Scot Free

Terri Schiavo, the brain-damaged Florida woman who had her feeding tube removed 13 days ago, has died. The tube was removed after a lengthy court battle in which Schiavo's husband, Michael Schiavo, insisted that his wife said she would not want to live if in a vegetative state. Since it took 13 days for Terry to eventually die of dehyrdation and starvation, it would appear that her will to live was actually quite strong. Source


Included In the Sale Price Was the Woman's Dignity

A woman in Tennessee made a little over $15,000 when she sold her name on eBay. Once the legal paperwork is complete, Terri Illigan will now be known as... you guessed it, Mrs. dotcom decided to run the auction in order to raise money to send one of her children to a golf school. If one of the kids needs braces, perhaps she could consider suing the online casino for using her name. Source


Really, What Did You Expect From Him With a Name Like That?

A 60-year-old man named Donald Death Jr. has been arraigned on charges of stealing an estimated $293,000 from a cemetery association on Long Island. Death was the association's chairman and assistant treasurer, but now faces up to 15 years in prison. Attorney Melvin Roth, who is representing Death, said that the entire amount has already been repaid. Is it just an eerie coincidence that a guy named Death was involved with a cemetery? Source


And What Are We Going to Do With This Information?

The American Cancer Society reports that the majority of cancer-related deaths in America could be prevented if we stopped smoking, got more exercise, ate healthier, and underwent periodic cancer screenings. In response to the recent findings, Americans plan to continue smoking, sitting on their ass doing nothing, eating junk food, and only visiting their doctor when on the brink of death. Well, at least that's my plan. Source

Wednesday, March 30, 2005


I'd Like to Use a Club On Some of These People

Up to 320,000 young seals are being slaughtered in Quebec by thousands of hunters armed with rifles, spears, and clubs. Demand for seal skins in eastern Europe and China has led the Canadian government to lift the ban on seal hunting and allow almost a million seals to be killed over three years. In related news, Canada really, really sucks. Source


Did He Stab Him, Or Did He Virtually Stab Him?

Shanghai man Qiu Chengwei was so infuriated when his friend borrowed his "dragon sabre" and sold it on eBay that he attacked Zhu Caoyuan at home, stabbing him repeatedly in the chest. The unusual part is that the sabre didn't even exist in the first place but was a virtual sword the two had won while playing the videogame Legend of Mir 3. Authorities agree that if Chengwei had used the dragon sabre to kill Caoyuan, it would have been the perfect crime since the murder weapon would never be found. Source


I'm Really Starting to Miss Fictional TV

Venus and Serena Williams, professional tennis players, have signed on with the ABC Family network to do a reality TV show. The show will feature the sisters "as they find their place in the world outside of tennis." Television executives believe it will be the lowest-rated reality show ever because really, who gives a damn? Source


Hmm... Think It Will Be Covered By Blue Cross?

Russian researchers believe that spanking and caning can be good for your health. High levels of pain produce endorphins that boost the immune system, release sex hormones, reduce appetite, and lead to feelings of euphoria. One Russian doctor is now charging patients about $107 per "treatment." Does this mean that dominatrices now have to file for medical licenses? Source

Tuesday, March 29, 2005


Sorry, But You're Never Going to See Those Eggs Again

A Wisconsin woman realized she made a terrible mistake in donating several plastic Easter eggs to a local thrift store. The eggs belonged to her deceased mother who had been planning a special Easter egg hunt and stuffed the eggs with cash. The family has appealed to the thrift store patrons to return the money, but no one has come forth yet. This is the biggest thrift store donation screw-up since Cindy gave away Marcia's diary on an early episode of The Brady Bunch. Source


One Swift Kick and Those People Could Have Gotten Their Mail

Several residents in Hobart, Indiana were unable to receive their mail because postal workers were frightened away by a dog running around on the loose. It turns out that the terror of Guyer Street was in fact Bobo, a 4.5-pound Chihuahua. According to police, the tiny dog was being very aggressive and tried to bite people's ankles. The animal's owner, Vicki Seber, has been ticketed for failing to keep Bobo restrained. The mail carriers, on the other hand, have to live with the shame of being scared off by a dog the size of a small cat. Source


Playboy Was Right... That Is a Party School!

The 25-member chapter of the Phi Kappa Tau fraternity at California State University Chico has been suspended for hosting the filming of a toga-themed porno movie. Four actresses and two actors were provided by an adult film company, and three Chico State students also appeared in the video. Fittingly, the university had once been ranked as the "top U.S. party school" by Playboy magazine. CSU is investigating the incident, but staff is being hampered in their efforts by the deluge of students now applying for admittance. Source


I Would Have Expected Much More From Those People

When Gus's World Famous Chicken in downtown Memphis started to give out free chicken dinners to the poor for Easter, things quickly turned ugly. The "customers" began pushing and yelling, forcing the restaurant to close after only one hour of serving the free meals. The restaurant plans to try again next year, but this time they'll be equipped with batons and tasers. Source

Monday, March 28, 2005


I'll Have the Enormous Omelet Sandwich, Please. And While You're At It, Just Put a Bullet In My Head

Burger King is poised to start selling a brand new breakfast sandwich that consists of one sausage patty, two eggs, two slices of American cheese, and three strips of bacon. Dubbed the "Enormous Omelet Sandwich," the item will contain 730 calories and 47 grams of fat. To prevent costly lawsuits against the restaurant chain, the sandwich will also come with a nitroglycerin pill for anyone suffering the inevitable heart attack brought on by eating something so unhealthy. Source


It's Like Having One of Those Tricorders From Star Trek

Korean manufacturer Samsung has announced that it will create a new line of cell phones that feature a color display that can be rotated horizontally. The new phones will also include a 1.3 megapixel digital camera with flash, stereo sound, MP3 rendering and GPS orientation. The ability to place and receive phone calls has been removed, however, in order to make room for all of the other stuff. Source


My Advice to Anyone In Arizona: Stay the Hell Away From the Border

The 1,000 volunteers expected to participate in the Minuteman Project, where civilians patrol the U.S.-Mexico border in Arizona, have already been targeted by a Central American gang. James Gilchrist, organizer of the project, said "We're not worried because half of our recruits are retired trained combat soldiers." Hmm... what about the other half? Source


Shit Down, Czech Out

A 34-year-old Czechoslovakian tractor driver died when eight tons of manure he was dumping somehow fell on top of him. Funny, that is exactly how I always imagined my own life would end. Source

Wednesday, March 23, 2005


This Is the Fourth Clocky I've Had to Buy This Week

In the Annoying Products Department, scientists at MIT's Media Lab have created a robotic alarm clock (dubbed Clocky) that will roll off your nightstand and move itself to another part of the room once you hit its "snooze" button. The idea is that you'll be wide awake if you have to physically get up and find the alarm clock--presumably so you can smash the little bastard into a million pieces. Also in the works at MIT is a product exclusively for fat people: a mechanical cheesecake that runs away and hides itself as soon as you take a bite. Source


Their First Slogan Idea Was "Fuck Wal-Mart"

In an attempt to sway consumers away from mega-chains like Wal-Mart and Target, several Louisville small businesses have banded together for a PR campaign urging people to "Keep Louisville Weird" by shopping at unique, locally-owned stores. Picking up on the marketing alliance concept, several small businesses in the Garden State have started their own "Keep New Jersey a Shithole" campaign. Source


We Don't Care If They're Gay, But Do They Have to Be Naked Too?

The S. V. Polynesia, a 248-foot schooner owned by Windjammer Barefoot Cruises, was stopped and prevented from entering the Caribbean country of St. Kitts and Nevis because the passenger list consisted of gay nudists. The tiny island nation had admitted gay cruise passengers before, so perhaps it was the nudist part that prompted them to bar entry of this particular vessel. Now, who wants to go on a cruise ship after knowing that a boatload of gay nudists just got off? Source


His Flash Animation Tells the Story: This Kid Had Some Serious Issues

Jeff Weise, the Minnesota teenager who killed his grandfather, his grandfather's female companion, a security guard, a teacher, and five of his fellow students before committing suicide on Monday had uploaded a 30-second Flash animation to a Web site last October. The brief movie shows a crudely-drawn figure shooting four victims (including a guy in a KKK outfit) and throwing a hand grenade into a police car--an eerie portent of things to come. If the kid wasn't totally nuts, Weise might have had a promising career in animation or doing concept art for a Tarantino movie. Source

Tuesday, March 22, 2005


At Least They Didn't Pull That "Zero Tolerance" Crap This Time

When a four-year-old boy found 40 small bags of crack cocaine in his book bag, he thought it was candy and handed it out to his school friends. The boy, who has never been in trouble before, will not be disciplined for his actions because school officials believe he really did not know what the rocks were. His relatives, on the other hand, could face charges for narcotics and child endangerment. Meanwhile, hundreds of crackheads have been hanging around the boy's school after they heard that free drugs were being distributed. Source


Madame, Britain's "Freedom of Information" Laws Are Not to Be Used As a Tool For You to Get Laid

Angela Wright of Britain attempted to use her country's new freedom of information laws in an effort to hook up with single cops. She sent an email to her local police force, inquiring about their eligible bachelors. She also asked for the email addresses, salary and pension details for any constables that fit her criteria. While Wright insists that the request was meant primarily as a joke, she was refused the information on the basis that personal data is exempt from the laws. She did, however, manage to make herself look pathetic to the whole world. Source


Now Here's a Skill That Will Look Impressive On a Resume

Craig Crosbie of Scotland has been dubbed the world's fastest text-messager, beating the previous record holder by a full 19 seconds. The 24-year-old Crosbie has been text-messaging since he was 16 and sends about 75 messages a day. Now that he has conquered the world and achieved the prestige of being a Guinness Book record-setter, Crosbie will return to his minimum wage job working in a Scottish factory. Source


Woman Receives $16.7 Million For Being Stupid

Patricia Henley was diagnosed with lung cancer in 1998 and proceeded to sue Philip Morris, manufacturer of the Marlboro cigarettes she had been smoking for more than 30 years. Surprisingly, she won her case and was awarded $51.5 million. Philip Morris appealed, and they lost again--but this time the award was down to $10.5 million, plus $6.2 million in interest. Even barring everything we now know about the effects of cigarette smoking, how stupid do you have to be to continuously ingest smoke and not think it might possibly be bad for you? Source

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